Archive for April, 2009

Canadian Immigrants: The Icebacks Lie in Wait

Posted in Humorously Speaking with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 28, 2009 by andeeroo
No American Could Bear This

No American Could EVER Bear This Christmas Story!!!!

First it was NHL Hockey. . . then Dan Akroyd and Michael J. Fox. . . how long until we have 51 Maple Leafs on our flag and the anthem for gay marriage in America becomes “God Save the Queens?”

It’s time for Americans to stop obsessing about our southern border and open their eyes to the insidious threat just across Niagra Falls. There lurks Canada. . . our alleged friends, aye?

While we ponder building a wall across southern Texas, Arizona and California and patrolling that border with M-1 tanks, our northern border is as porous as Sponge Bob Square Pants (he’s Canadian by the way).

So, how is it that the silent Canadian immigration plot and its “chilling” affect on our culture goes unnoticed? Subtlety, that’s how. If you keep smiling and insisting bacon is round, one day it will be!

You see, it all began with the injection of Arcadians into the Louisiana delta a few hundred years ago. That’s right. One big Canadian sleeper cell floated down the Mississippi to the bayou: their assignment?  To cause confusion to American dialects and ever-so-slowly destroy the our eco-balance in the deep south by eating the American crawfish into extinction. Once they’ve accomplished that goal (we are only a few years away), secret messages will be sent via Cajun and Zydeco music to the French Canadian population signalling them to overtake Vermont and claim it as an extension of Quebec. They immediately install Jerry Lewis as a comic deity. New laws will quickly eliminate American English and force children to only speak French or that painful New England accent like the Pepperidge Farm guy or Ted Kennedy. Each Sunday, enslaved Catamounts will be forced into Unitarian churches to watch films like “The Disorderly, Orderly” and reruns of Jerry Lewis “Labor Day” Telethons, followed by luncheons where snails and brie must be consumed in mass quantities.

So, while all you conservatives and conspiracists continue to overamp about our southern border – people who eat french fries with gravy are quietly infiltrating every fiber of our nation!!!

By the way, I’m not excusing the left from guilt. Michael Moore is a closet Canadian. And the left’s adoration of national healthcare and gun control is playing right into their Hoser little hands. Soon, we’ll be trading our rugged individualism for a free check up and a “hands up” for our hunting rifles.

And as if this were not enough, the Canadian government has now unleashed a far more evil plan: turning Americans into Canadians while they sleep. Like some demented tooth fairy, they now plan to offer citizenship for a mere 8 hours sleep. Don’t believe me? Watch this innocent looking PSA:

The truth can be shocking.  Right now there are nearly 800,000 Canadians living inside our borders – most of them in Arizona. Shockingly, while America’s toughest Sheriff, Joe Arpaio, forces drug dealers and Mexican immigrants to march around the desert in pink jumpsuits, Canadians secretly meet with Wayne Gretzky, drinking LaBatt’s Blue while planning to change the name of Phoenix to Re-Regina and Maricopa to Maritoba County. How will the people of Sun City live with The Phoenix Moose as a hockey team? Good luck, Mounty Arpaio.

Canadians continue to infiltrate our nation at a rate of 24,000 per year.  That means by July 1, 3367  –  2,500 years to the day from Canada’s birth  –  ALL Canadians will have moved south of the border into the U.S.A. You can set your clocks by this one, folks. We only have 1,358 years of liberty left.

Sure, skeptics point out that only 74,000 Canadians in the U.S. are illegal immigrants. But what if ALL of them are hockey players??? At the sound of a single whistle they could beat the puck out of innocent American citizens. Within a few hours there would be more toothless U.S. citizens than in the entire history West Virginia.

Time won’t allow me to address the Canadian deception called global warming (if you thought glaciers up north were melting because of American pollution, you need to take a look at Al Gore’s Canadian dollar holdings). Suffice to say Pamela Anderson did not enter her “enhanced” state for the sake of Hollywood. One mistake in the Canadian glacier melt plan and she will survive as her own personal floatation device.

Now, many Southern looking Hawks and soft-hearted liberals will point to Jim Carrey, Leslie Nielsen and Mike Meyers, telling me Canadians living in America are fun-loving and here to share their gift of humor. Well what about Neve Campbell’s phone throwing rage? And Howie Mandel’s refusal to shake hands with Americans? Did you really believe that “germaphobic” line? Howie will never shake hands with an American until every last one is ruled by Canada.

No matter how great a skeptic you are, just watch The Matrix again – only then will you understand why Keanu Reeves is called “The One.”

I could go on revealing how John Hopps invented the Blackberry to capture information about as many U.S. citizens as possible and share it with Ottawa. . . how every flight booked through William Shatner’s “Priceline” shilling provides U.S. dollars to the Canadian infiltration of America and how Joseph Armand-Bombardier invented the snowmobile to reduce the population of America each winter.

All I can hope is that each and every American will read and share this article.

Americans: wake up and smell the coffee. . . before it’s exclusively Tim Horton’s. . . and all the Starbucks are turned into re-education camps.

How Many Atheists Does it Take to Survive an Earthquake?

Posted in The Hell You Say! with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 14, 2009 by andeeroo

calvin_hobbes_math_atheist

Recently, by random selection, I visited “The Friendly Atheist,” blog (Hemant Manta) {friendlyatheist.com}. This incident seemed very strange to me as I had just returned from Ethiopia where I saw the reproduction of the famous bones of “Lucy” (the crown jewel of ancient skeletons). At only 3 1/2 feet tall, Lucy was quite the cougar 3.2 million years ago, living a swinging lifestyle with chimpanzees in the trees of Africa. Anthropologists believe her promiscuity helped spread the the appearance of humans on planet earth (yet another argument for safe sex).

These two“athe-incidents” happening to me in such a short time frame seemed more than just mere chance (with all due respect to Charley D.).  Might there be a cosmic purpose to me experiencing these two events firsthand? As you can imagine, all this and Darwin’s recent 200th birthday bash was enough to make me get up off the couch and walk upright to my computer, engaging my opposable thumbs and fingers to write this all down.

As far as descendants of one-celled organisms go, Hemant Manta seems a gentleman who is highly evolved and quite interesting to read. If I was forced to play situational ethics with an atheist, I believe he would give me a fair shake in the lifeboat before throwing me overboard to save the doctor, the physicist and the Bill Maher.

I would even note that Hemant and I have a shared belief in at least part of Genesis 2:7  that states God formed man from the slime of the earth. We both believe in the slime, I simply believe it took a Creator to craft us, whereas Hemant would believe in a kismatic occurance.

Now, before any intellectuals tee me up for not hearing the “big bang’s” call in my life, let me go on record as saying I enjoy atheists as much as the next primal guy. Atheists of all sorts: entertaining atheists (Woody Allen, Dave Barry, Eddie Izzard), rugged atheists (Lance Armstrong, Studs Terkel, Jodie Foster), sensitive atheists (Keanu Reeves, Barry Manilow,  James Lipton), even “Big Apple” atheists (Harvey Fierstein, Howard Stern, Billy Joel). And it goes without saying that I have a cool, cryogenic admiration for atheism’s head of the class: deceased baseball legend, Ted Williams.

I will not take the time here to list all the “God believing” people I admire as there are almost as many as there are religious denominations (or matters of faith in the theories of evolution); albeit without the messy inquisitions, holy wars and missing links.

Anyway, I de-evolve. The reason for this essay is to consider the critque of Hemant and his respondents to a fair question he raised about the tragic earthquake in Italy.

In Hemant’s blog entitled “272 Die. 1 Lives. God Gets Credit For. . . “ He recounts the hundreds confirmed dead after the earthquake that rocked the area near Rome and a 20 year old boy, Giulio Colangeli, who survived when pulled from the rubble.  Hemant notes one paper’s headline stated “Divine Intervention Helped Antonello Colangeli Find His Son.” Mr. Colangeli was quoted as saying:  “I am a doctor. I a rational man. But I can only say that all those signs, all those coincidences that led me to my son, must have been sent from God.”

The Friendly Atheist goes on to point out that if God is to be thanked for Dr. Conangeli’s son surviving, God should also accept blame for the deaths of all the other people and the massive destruction of cities and infrastructure.

As Mr. Mehnta puts it  “God shouldn’t be getting credit without any chance of getting the blame.” I have a sentimental spot in my little ole’ evolved, quadraped’s heart for this thought. Too often,divinity grabs the “miracle” headlines leaving only the latest bone shard discoveries in Africa or Wyoming for evolutionists to muddle over.  Isn’t it about time in the evolutionary process of that Charles Darwin”s likeness shows up on the face of an atheist’s scone in the morning? To be fair, if random chance can replicate Mary so often that she even appeared as a Cheeto, surely the father of evolution deserves, nay, demands a spot on a Galapagos Island Tortoise shell.

Evolution should not be ignored when it comes to disasters (Kevin Costner’s “Waterworld” a chief example).  If we were to reframe the news story from Italy and give proper due, the headline would read:  “Natural Selection Claims 272 Average Humans: One Highly Evolved Young Man Survives.” With the proper worldview, Dr. Conangeli might have said:  “I am a doctor. I a  biped. But I can only say that all those coincidences were completely random. My son is lucky as hell I found him in that pile of rubble.” While this headline and story might not encourage those who look to the heavens for hope and a future, it certainly gives evolutionists a fair shot at selling papers. And the way the newspaper business is going, it surely couldn’t hurt the fourth estate.

While this may not settle the debate between those who believe in God and those who believe in man, it does bring us to a more balanced approach to covering disasters and who survives.

Darwin himself said: “It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change.”

If this theory holds true – then one day – only Madonna will remain.

Hard to believe a loving evolutionist could do this to the human species.