Archive for the A Merry Heart Category

‘TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE SECULAR, WINTER HOLIDAY

Posted in A Merry Heart, Humorously Speaking with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 12, 2008 by andeeroo

So it’s the holiday season and we’re all having to listen to the absurd legal arguments against public displays that celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanzaa.  Then it hit me: how would Clement Clarke Moore craft his famous poem if he lived in America today? Here’s my take:

‘Twas the night before secular, winter holiday – that’s what it’s called now,

and not a religious figure was stirring, not even a sacred cow.

The children were dressed in blankets and towels with care,

Planning to act in a manger scene on the town square.

But the politically correct were horrified and appalled,

So the ACLU filed lawsuits having the performance outlawed.

And the Rabbi at City Hall with his menorah ready to light,

found his Hanukkah display outlawed in this bizarre legal fight.

And at the public park where the Kwanzaa display had arisen,

The local constables were taking the folks in Dashikis to prison.

Then suddenly, on the White House lawn there arose such a clatter,

I flipped on CNN to see what was the matter.

All across America there came a breaking story,

Covered by every TV host, even Springer and Maury.

As the moon beamed down on new-fallen snow,

It gave a revealing light to the holiday battle below.

Now who should appear on the TV almost before you could tune it,

But a Rabbi, Joseph and Mary and the Hip-Hop group, Kwanzaa Unit.

All together they started to lay down a rap so captivating and quick,

I thought it was lip sync’d, the old Milli Vanilli trick.

But the beatboxing was masterful and the rhymes they were spittin’,

And they whistled, and shouted, and the viewers were smitten.

“Yo, one – two check on the mic, ain’t we lookin’ glossy,

This is MC Rabbi with K-Unit,and the Bethlehem 3,  my number one posse.

Why all the Po-Po arriving to stick us on the jail bus?

Cause we celebrate our faith in something bigger than us.

Whether it’s restoring God’s Temple, baby Jesus or African tradition,

Recognizing these events shouldn’t cause such perdition.

The ACLU hates us, they ain’t down with permission,

So, they make threats and lawsuits to put us out of commission.

What’s the problem with a menorah, the creche’ or a Kwanzaa kinara?

We celebrate Columbus, the Earth and Valentine’s Day.”

Then, as fast they could, this eclectic group leapt

from 1600 Pennsylvannia to the Supreme Court steps.

“Yo, Stevens, Alito, Scalia and Breyer,

If there’s no room for sacred holidays why don’t you retire?

What up Kennedy, Souter, Stevens and Thomas?

Stop endorsing the ACLU’s hating and make us a promise.

Let us honor our cultures, holidays and faith,

Come on Chief Justice Roberts, give us a break.”

Then Robert’s eyes — how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!

Alito’s cheeks were like roses, Scalia’s nose like a cherry!

But Ginsburg’s tiny little mouth scrunched tight like a bow,

While the hair on Thomas and Kennedy gleamed white as snow.

Justice Souter’s jaw was clinched tight, grinding his teeth,

And Judge Steven’s ears smoked as his hands shook beneath.

And Breyer’s broad face showed so much reflection,

As the court pondered these citizens, their pain and rejection.

All at once, in a flash, appeared a jolly old elf,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself.

With a wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

He let me know I had nothing to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

putting tolerance in the heart of anti-Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa jerk.

Then pointing his finger toward the Senate and House of Reps,

He magically appeared on the Capitol steps.

There he lit the menorah and the kinara, too,

as he gave the baby Jesus a hug, you could hear cows moo.

Then, he jumped in his sleigh, and as he drove out of sight, He shouted:

“Happy ChristmaHanuKwanzakah! Now, just stop the silly legal fight.”

How to find that “unforgettable” Christmas gift in sixty seconds!

Posted in A Merry Heart with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 5, 2008 by andeeroo

The holidays can be extremely stressful. I hate trying to find the right gift for my family and friends. But bailing on my yule duty and giving a gift certificate doesn’t work either. I wouldn’t want to go in for a Doctor’s exam and be given a medical dictionary instead of a diagnosis.

But when I was flipping around TV the other night a moment of inspiration hit me; courtesy of Vinnie, with  “Sham-Wow” (it’s made in Germany). I decided to give everyone on my list “exclusive TV offer” gifts. They’re unique, easy to order and come with a 30 day money-back guarantee.

Here are just a few I’ve already ordered to provide the people I love and appreciate a distinctive holiday surprise:

THE HANDYSWITCH: Why use ten fingers when one will do?

If someone you love is too lazy to use “The Clapper” this remote control light switch will turn EVERY light in a room on with the press of a button. Far less effort than clapping, enough light for a prison yard and a slightly more sedentary life.

THE FLAT FOLD COLANDER: Spaghetti in any environment!

Every been caught traveling with an overwhelming desire to make spaghetti and thought “I wish I had room to pack my colander.” Now there’s a foot tall colander that folds linguini-flat and features a battery operated spin mode: so you or someone you love can enjoy pasta on the road.”

YOGA BOOTY BALLET: Hindu Hip Hop Your Way to Sexy Healthiness.

This holiday season, everyone knows a special someone who is a fitness nut, but bores with the same old routine. Not to worry, Yoga Booty Ballet to the rescue. This DVD teaches you how to frenetically change between awkward dance steps and peaceful stretching while “shaking what your momma gave ya” in between.  Who needs reincarnation, bling-bling or Swanlake when you can smash them all together in a 30 minute workout?

TATER MITTS: Rub your potatoes the “right” way!

How excited will your gift recipient be when they don these abrasive, blue rubber gloves and start to sensually massage their Idaho spuds? Within moments they’ll have peeled potatoes and a thousand little pieces of potato peelings scattered around the kitchen. WARNING: Don’t scratch any itch on your person unless you desire permanent ex-folliation.

DING KING: Amazing antiquing and stress-busting device.

Do you have a car, appliance or piece of furniture that just look “too new?”  You can give that item character by simply striking it with the amazing Ding King. Hit it a few times for that “oops” look; hit it ruthlessly to create that “ancient artifact” look. This might be the one gift to give everyone on your list this year.

CHILLOW: The “coolest” way to snooze!

This Christmas, take away the burden of your loved one flipping their pillow over and give them the feeling their sleeping in a hammock with a tropical breeze.  All you do is fill the Chillow with water, put it in the freezer for 2 hours, then get ready for a little rest and hypothermia.

THE NATURAL BRA: It’s bio-degradable!

The perfectly natural gift for your wife or girlfriend.  Strap free and that natural look for any woman: simply mark your skin with the special pencil, apply the double-stick adhesive, cut the silicone forms to shape, glue them into the invisible wrap-around band and half-a-day later, you’re ready to go!

Please feel free to leave any gift ideas you have have in the comments section. And remember: “supplies are limited – order before midnight!”

How do Zipcodes, Birthrates, Eggs and Butter Mathematically Reveal the anti-Christ?

Posted in A Merry Heart with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 1, 2008 by andeeroo

Watching out for the end of days and the rise of the anti-Christ are important concerns to many people of faith (and Cub fans who simply want to be put out of their misery).

Through the years, there have been many suspects: some popular like John F. Kennedy, others outrageous like Marilyn Manson and none as widely popular in the bible belt as the Pope.

But now a new candidate has arose. He’s suave, self-assured and graduated from Harvard (striking fear in Ivy leaguers from Princeton to Yale). Barack Obama. Now, before everyone jumps me with an argument about my politics, his ethnic heritage or the fact that I am a lifelong Cubs fan, give me a chance to show you the numbers; then decide. These are not wild machinations of some crazed man. I draw my evidence from the same well as tightly wound conspiricists on the Inter net. I simply choose to wink and smile as I use his legal name, damning evidence from the U.S. Postal Service and my simple projection of declining birthrates: all with some good old “evangelastic” presentation.

The President-elect  has 18 letters in his name. Barack (6) Hussein (7) Obama (5).

If we move just one letter from his middle to his last name you have 6 – 6 – 6. Now it does change his name to Barack Hussei Nobama but that’s majoring on minors. How about if we move the second “S” and leave the “N” alone? That way, it keeps the sounding of his middle name intact and improves the change of pronunciation of his last name from a negative sounding one to Sobama – all without sacrificing the incriminating 6 – 6 – 6.  Any better Mr. or Ms. skeptic?

Now, stop shaking your head and unfold those arms while you consider this: Obama lives in Chicago: also home to the zip code 60606. Since the value of zero is nothing, it doesn’t actually count. What happens when you remove those two zeros from the zip code? I’ll let you finish the math. Picked your jaw up from the floor yet?

There’s much more.  The building located at the center of the 6-( ) -6-( ) -6 zip code is the Chicago Mercantile Exchange. Once known by the innocent name “Butter and Egg Board,”  this hi-tech den of thieves is a place where all forms of commodities are traded by people “crying out” for more and more money.  And where does the love of money and frozen pork belly futures lead to . . ?  Lower Wacker Drive: a place of emptiness and desolation after rush hour: a pathway of darkness running directly below the seemingly innocent Upper Wacker Drive. Now, please allow a little elbow room on this end times equation as Mr. Barack Husein Sobama lives many miles away from this zip code. Nonetheless, it is assigned to his home town (and the Chicago Cubs).

Finally, President Obama and his wife end up having three more children while in office, they will have a family of 6. If each of his 4 children then has the national average for children – 1.5 – and each of those grandchildren has only 1 great grandchild each, the total number of his family (6) grandchildren(1.5 x 4=6) and each grandchild’s single child (6) brings us to the number 6-6-6.

Convinced yet? I could go on. If you take the number of states that voted for Obama and throw out the ones from D.C. all the way up through New England (except Maine), you have 18 blue states left: 6 in the west, 6 in middle America – 6 in the east.  Not to mention he resides in Cook County, Illinois; 18 letters divided equally 6 – 6 – 6, Oh, shut up about Cookco Untyil Linois, you’re just looking for excuses.

And yes, when you add up the number of national league pennants and world series the Cubs have one it equals 18. I know when you divide it by the number of central division titles you get 6 – 6- 6. But don’t even try to go there. . . Obama is a White Sox fan.    

Punchline: What are you NOT thankful for?

Posted in A Merry Heart with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 27, 2008 by andeeroo

Let it be known that I am thankful for many things this Thanksgiving holiday: my faith, family, friends and health to name just a few.

However, I will not hide the fact that there are many things in this world I am NOT thankful for! After you give thanks, take a moment to fess up.

I’ve compiled a brief list from a few from friends I queried. Please take a look at them and submit that thing you’re NOT thankful for:

Manually fillable ice cube trays   – Kendall

Phillip Seymour Hoffman in a Thong   – Teresa

Metric Tapeworms   – Mary

High water pants with white shoes   –  Luke

Fish Poetry   – Chris

Pay toilets   – Harry

Animals with holes in them   – Chelsea

Wall Street bailout beneficiaries   – Lee

Douvet Covers    – Holly

People in ski masks   –  Jonavan

Anime fillers and itchy socks   –  Rick

Political promises – Andy

Bird poop   – Jake

Abbreviations   – J

Dog fashions   –  Sid

The Detroit Lions   – Jeremy

Ten gallon hats and small minds   – Devin

People who say “irregardless and nevertheless”   – Nat