Archive for the Humorously Speaking Category

Merry Krumpus to You? The Anti-Santa of the Alpines

Posted in Humorously Speaking with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 22, 2009 by andeeroo

Saint Nick and the Krumpus Approach

As we enjoy the season of Christmas and prepare for it’s ultimate meaning, I have been wandering the internet considering other distinct holiday traditions that are not part of the American Yuletide season. Traditions like the Portugese Christmas morning meal with places set for dead relatives definitely caught my eye.The lines of Japanese trying to get into KFC for a traditional Christmas Chicken dinner entertained me (and reminded me of the power of advertising). And the Catalonian tradition of the “Caganer” statue found hidden away in Spanish and Italian Bethlehem scenes showing a man secretly relieving himself left me completely puzzled.

However, the Christmas season tradition that I couldn’t get off my mind was the “Krumpus” or “Krampas” from the Alpine countries of Austria, Germany and Switzerland.

In the good old U.S.A. kids are put on a “naughty” or “nice” list, resulting in sweet gifts or a lump of coal in their stocking. But in Germanic countries, an unruly or petulant child receives a holiday beating from a boozy, ill-tempered 7 ft goat man – the Krumpus.

Now, the Krumpus show up on the eve of Dec. 5th, swat the kids good and warn them they only have
3 weeks to shape up or instead of gifts they’ll receive a real beat down on Dec. 25th.

How did these guys ever get reduced to a lump of coal in America?

The only answer I could come up with: Liberals.

Canadian Immigrants: The Icebacks Lie in Wait

Posted in Humorously Speaking with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 28, 2009 by andeeroo
No American Could Bear This

No American Could EVER Bear This Christmas Story!!!!

First it was NHL Hockey. . . then Dan Akroyd and Michael J. Fox. . . how long until we have 51 Maple Leafs on our flag and the anthem for gay marriage in America becomes “God Save the Queens?”

It’s time for Americans to stop obsessing about our southern border and open their eyes to the insidious threat just across Niagra Falls. There lurks Canada. . . our alleged friends, aye?

While we ponder building a wall across southern Texas, Arizona and California and patrolling that border with M-1 tanks, our northern border is as porous as Sponge Bob Square Pants (he’s Canadian by the way).

So, how is it that the silent Canadian immigration plot and its “chilling” affect on our culture goes unnoticed? Subtlety, that’s how. If you keep smiling and insisting bacon is round, one day it will be!

You see, it all began with the injection of Arcadians into the Louisiana delta a few hundred years ago. That’s right. One big Canadian sleeper cell floated down the Mississippi to the bayou: their assignment?  To cause confusion to American dialects and ever-so-slowly destroy the our eco-balance in the deep south by eating the American crawfish into extinction. Once they’ve accomplished that goal (we are only a few years away), secret messages will be sent via Cajun and Zydeco music to the French Canadian population signalling them to overtake Vermont and claim it as an extension of Quebec. They immediately install Jerry Lewis as a comic deity. New laws will quickly eliminate American English and force children to only speak French or that painful New England accent like the Pepperidge Farm guy or Ted Kennedy. Each Sunday, enslaved Catamounts will be forced into Unitarian churches to watch films like “The Disorderly, Orderly” and reruns of Jerry Lewis “Labor Day” Telethons, followed by luncheons where snails and brie must be consumed in mass quantities.

So, while all you conservatives and conspiracists continue to overamp about our southern border – people who eat french fries with gravy are quietly infiltrating every fiber of our nation!!!

By the way, I’m not excusing the left from guilt. Michael Moore is a closet Canadian. And the left’s adoration of national healthcare and gun control is playing right into their Hoser little hands. Soon, we’ll be trading our rugged individualism for a free check up and a “hands up” for our hunting rifles.

And as if this were not enough, the Canadian government has now unleashed a far more evil plan: turning Americans into Canadians while they sleep. Like some demented tooth fairy, they now plan to offer citizenship for a mere 8 hours sleep. Don’t believe me? Watch this innocent looking PSA:

The truth can be shocking.  Right now there are nearly 800,000 Canadians living inside our borders – most of them in Arizona. Shockingly, while America’s toughest Sheriff, Joe Arpaio, forces drug dealers and Mexican immigrants to march around the desert in pink jumpsuits, Canadians secretly meet with Wayne Gretzky, drinking LaBatt’s Blue while planning to change the name of Phoenix to Re-Regina and Maricopa to Maritoba County. How will the people of Sun City live with The Phoenix Moose as a hockey team? Good luck, Mounty Arpaio.

Canadians continue to infiltrate our nation at a rate of 24,000 per year.  That means by July 1, 3367  –  2,500 years to the day from Canada’s birth  –  ALL Canadians will have moved south of the border into the U.S.A. You can set your clocks by this one, folks. We only have 1,358 years of liberty left.

Sure, skeptics point out that only 74,000 Canadians in the U.S. are illegal immigrants. But what if ALL of them are hockey players??? At the sound of a single whistle they could beat the puck out of innocent American citizens. Within a few hours there would be more toothless U.S. citizens than in the entire history West Virginia.

Time won’t allow me to address the Canadian deception called global warming (if you thought glaciers up north were melting because of American pollution, you need to take a look at Al Gore’s Canadian dollar holdings). Suffice to say Pamela Anderson did not enter her “enhanced” state for the sake of Hollywood. One mistake in the Canadian glacier melt plan and she will survive as her own personal floatation device.

Now, many Southern looking Hawks and soft-hearted liberals will point to Jim Carrey, Leslie Nielsen and Mike Meyers, telling me Canadians living in America are fun-loving and here to share their gift of humor. Well what about Neve Campbell’s phone throwing rage? And Howie Mandel’s refusal to shake hands with Americans? Did you really believe that “germaphobic” line? Howie will never shake hands with an American until every last one is ruled by Canada.

No matter how great a skeptic you are, just watch The Matrix again – only then will you understand why Keanu Reeves is called “The One.”

I could go on revealing how John Hopps invented the Blackberry to capture information about as many U.S. citizens as possible and share it with Ottawa. . . how every flight booked through William Shatner’s “Priceline” shilling provides U.S. dollars to the Canadian infiltration of America and how Joseph Armand-Bombardier invented the snowmobile to reduce the population of America each winter.

All I can hope is that each and every American will read and share this article.

Americans: wake up and smell the coffee. . . before it’s exclusively Tim Horton’s. . . and all the Starbucks are turned into re-education camps.

BUSTLINES DROOP AS ECONOMY SAGS

Posted in Humorously Speaking with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 10, 2009 by andeeroo

00231-daily-cartoons-plastic-surgery

Maura Moynihan just wrote a great editorial on America’s sagging economy and drooping bustlines being inescapably harnessed together.

Plastic surgery is in a free fall.

Joan Rivers are you listening through those tightly pinned back ears?

Michael and LaToya, stop UNwrinking your noses.

(At least I know Bruce Jenner cannot close his eyes or turn his head from the truth that follows)

After 12 billion dollars of spending on cosmetic surgery in 2007 Monynihan reveals the ASPS “reports a 62 percent overall decrease in cosmetic surgery from 2007 to 2008.”

That’s right. The future Pamela Andersons in our world have been hugely deflated by the Lehman brothers and Michael Madoffs of Wall street.

But are a few less bleached blondes teetering about like fully inflated water landing devices such a bad thing?

In  Los Angeles, the elderly will once again walk down the street without fear of being  struck to the ground when an actress turns to acknowledge a car horn.

Average citizens will no longer be late trapped in an endless wait – while elevators sit paralyzed – doors opening and closing,  opening and closing.


Now, the Rodeo Drive and Hamptons crowds may be taking this as a double whammy when coupled with the Oct. 19 (UPI) research from Sweden discovering drinking a lot of coffee reduces the size of many women’s breasts.

Starbucks has been in an uphill battle to offset their shrinking sales to women since that Lund University report

It’s unfortunate when economic hard times hit advertising and the cosmetic surgery industry so hard “above” the belt. But at least now the women of America won’t be so quick to mortgage the house on a windblown face, tucked tummy or a set of personal air bags.

And even though these people may start to look their age. . . there’s no guarantee they’ll act it.

Read Maura’s article on “The Great Boob Bust” at: http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2009-01-10/the-great-boob-bust/2/

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly of New Year’s Resolutions

Posted in Humorously Speaking with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 1, 2009 by andeeroo

Ahh, the new year is upon us and it’s time for resolutions.

Mark Twain said: “. . .Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.”‘

Not to disagree with Mr. Clemens, but I believe there are categories for new year’s resolutions: some attainable, some worth striving for; others just plain bad ideas. So, without further ado, here are my humble entries for the Good, the Bad and the Ugly of resolutions:

The Good resolutions:

* Attain World Peace

* Keep President Obama and his pen away from F.O.C.A.

* Lindsay Lohan dedicating her life to providing clear skin for all teenagers

* High School Musical 4 !

* Work together to cause Global Cooling

The Bad resolutions:

* Anything to do with dieting

* Pledge to write and speak only Latin
(especially those annoying “Laticons” in text messaging)

* Break up with any habit that’s always been there for you

* Support Paul Reuben’s comeback

* Bring back Pepsi Clear.

The Ugly resolutions:

* Start a write-in campaign to save Rosie O’Donnell’s variety show

* President Bush suspends habeas corpus and invokes Martian law (alien malprop intentional)

* ANYTHING to do with the Palestinians; even schwarma.

* Pledge to make meals with quail eggs and banana blossoms in coconut cream.

* Combine slang from the sixties and the nineties to create new phrases: “Far out, man. True dat.” or “What it do, groovy cat?”

This list merely forms the tip of the resolution iceberg. Please lend your insight and mirth to the list.

Share your good, bad or ugly resolutions in comments.

And In closing, the slate is blank, the year is new, may each of you know love, health, wisdom and may God bless you.

USA Today Gallup Poll: The Whys Behind Who Americans Admire Most

Posted in Humorously Speaking with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 26, 2008 by andeeroo

A USA TODAY/GALLUP POLL of one thousand and eight people revealed the top men and women Americans admire most. What they chose not to reveal was “why?” Since I believe in full disclosure (a journalistic nudist, if you will), you will find in this missive the most oft cited reasons for the the top five men and women.

Your post-Christmas challenge is to match the reasons with the admired.

What man living today do you admire most?
1. Barack Obama 32%
2. George W. Bush 5%
3. John McCain 3%
4. Pope Benedict XVI 2%
5. Billy Graham 2%

WHY?
a. “He’s a master absolver, and he’s got an awesome, one of a kind hat you can also use for fine cutting of wood.”

b. “His political policies bring all the boys to yard. . . AND he used to go by Barry when he was in the Choom gang.”

c. “He looked into a man’s soul and saw something that kept him from going nuclear on that man’s neo-monarchy.”

d. “Just as he is without one plea, except he’s quite admirable to me.”

e. “I admire this dude cause he’s got all the beer he can drink in a new house every night.”

What woman living today do you admire most?
1. Hillary Clinton 20%
2. Sarah Palin 11%
3. Oprah Winfrey 8%
4. Condoleezza Rice 7%
5. Michelle Obama 3%

WHY?
f. “She’s powerful, smart and a San Francisco treat.”

g. “I admire her because she taught me “you can’t have everything, because I already have everything, so you better start doing!”

h. “She once beat James Carville senseless with a collector’s edition of “Ain’t I a Woman?”

i. “I admire her for “playing hard to get” with her home nation. After graduating from 2 Ivy league schools and serving as a member of 5 prestigious boards, she finally decided to be proud of the U.S.A.”

j. “Once, when faced down by an angry elk and lacking a gun, this gal actually hurled a bullet through the elk and dropped him cold.”

Drop your wisest answers in the comments section

Blagojevich is Innocent – His Hair is Criminal!

Posted in Humorously Speaking with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 23, 2008 by andeeroo

The dirty political tale being told in the state of Illinois and the selling of a U.S. Senate seat is just the tip of the iceberg.

Here’s the first shocker:  Governor Rod Blagojevich is innnocent of all FBI corruption charges being leveled against him.

That’s right – innocent. The wiretaps, damning testimonies, alleged dirty Chicago politics are all a frame job on Blagojevich.

The reason why is the bigger bomb I’m dropping:

Blagojevich’s HAIR is guilty of everything!

Note Blagojevich is tight lipped - BUT HIS HAIR SPEAKS VOLUMES!

Note Blagojevich is tight lipped - BUT HIS HAIR SPEAKS VOLUMES!

Now, before you brush this off as another urban legend or crazy train talk, consider the facts you haven’t seen in the headlines.

Gov. Rod Blogojevich is actually bald. Next time you see him on the news, take a closer look:  THE HAIR actually moves independently of him.  A life force unto itself, THE HAIR proudly rests upon his head a follicle king, sitting on its throne of deceit.

Quiet investigations by Chicago geneaology expert Daniel Rostendoliak have revealed Blago’s HAIR is actually the out-of-hairlock child of country singer Lyle Lovett and one of Patti LaBelle’s wigs (believed to be the blue one with       24″ high spikes). Rostendoliak further stated independent DNA tests prove THE HAIR is an undeniable  blend of Texas D.A. and synthetic soul.

THE HAIR (which I will NOW call “Bouffo” along with other suffixes to distinguish it from the Governor)  first met Rod Blogojevich in 1974 at the University of Tampa.  Blogo was a bald underclassman looking to fit in – “Bouffanovich”         a shrewd, hard-partying blow-dried lady killer, looking for a place to land. Blago and “Bouffant” struck up a close friendship.

The defining moment of their Tampa days came when both tried out for the university debate squad and discovered there was only one slot open on the team. That day they decided to join forces and their relationship gelled quickly. Their chemistry was so successful, Blago invited “Bouffana” to move in with him.  Soon, they were inseparable.

In 1977 Blago and “Bouffo” transferred to prestigious Northwestern University (where “Bouffipitt” was offered a separate scholarship in Drama). But their sights were set on government and they eventually graduated with a shared B.A. in Political Science.

Interestingly it was THE HAIR that struck up the romance that led to marriage with powerful Chicago Alderman Richard Mell’s daughter, Patty. She fell hard for the sexy coiffure and never looked back. When they walked the aisle, Blago’s noggin was just a glorified pedestal for Patty Mell to admire “Bouffanovich” on. A seemingly joyous time was actually sealing an already parasitic relationship.

The “Bouffocrat” quickly took to Chicago style politics. His great intellect, sharp wit and take-no-prisoners style of campaigning won him a state representative position as well as private meetings with Bill and Hillary Clinton, Mayor Richard Daley, Jr. (hair definitely his own) and Al Sharpton (whose hair is from another planet).

Blagojevich actually wanted to take an honest course in government, but yielded to pressure from “Bouffant” and wife Patti’s threats to run off with THE HAIR and leave Blago bald and alone.  “Bouffanamana” and Patty partied hard and demanded patronage from every person they could shave or clip. For those who refused to give tribute, punishment included a vicious cursing, withholding of precious government funding or having to style one’s hair to resemble Blago’s coiff.

The hair was hated and feared in Illinois politics: these were truly dreaded locks.

When Blagojevich was elected governor of Illinois he knew the shots would be called by THE HAIR.  It was “Bouffanovich” that hatched the hare-brained scheme to sell the empty senate seat of Barack Obama to the highest bidder.  An uncoiffured report states Jesse Jackson Jr. offered cash AND lifetime jeri curls to “Bouffant” if chosen to replace Obama.

So, what is the bottom line to this story?  Every wiretap referred to by the FBI was actually THE HAIR talking.

Every on-camera denial was off the top of Blagojevich’s head, not from his heart. Which means everything he has said or will say to the press proves he’s out-of-his-mind.

Now many will feel I’m just splitting hairs. but if justice is to be served, these hidden facts must be used to help the innocent Blagojevich part ways with this “Hair from Hades”.

Those of us who refuse to stand for tinted journalism cannot afford to let the this story dye.

Until the truth revealed in this article vindicates Rod Blagojevich and convicts this criminal hair there will be no highlights in Illinois politics – and every day will be a bad hair day for the state Democratic party.

‘TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE SECULAR, WINTER HOLIDAY

Posted in A Merry Heart, Humorously Speaking with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 12, 2008 by andeeroo

So it’s the holiday season and we’re all having to listen to the absurd legal arguments against public displays that celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanzaa.  Then it hit me: how would Clement Clarke Moore craft his famous poem if he lived in America today? Here’s my take:

‘Twas the night before secular, winter holiday – that’s what it’s called now,

and not a religious figure was stirring, not even a sacred cow.

The children were dressed in blankets and towels with care,

Planning to act in a manger scene on the town square.

But the politically correct were horrified and appalled,

So the ACLU filed lawsuits having the performance outlawed.

And the Rabbi at City Hall with his menorah ready to light,

found his Hanukkah display outlawed in this bizarre legal fight.

And at the public park where the Kwanzaa display had arisen,

The local constables were taking the folks in Dashikis to prison.

Then suddenly, on the White House lawn there arose such a clatter,

I flipped on CNN to see what was the matter.

All across America there came a breaking story,

Covered by every TV host, even Springer and Maury.

As the moon beamed down on new-fallen snow,

It gave a revealing light to the holiday battle below.

Now who should appear on the TV almost before you could tune it,

But a Rabbi, Joseph and Mary and the Hip-Hop group, Kwanzaa Unit.

All together they started to lay down a rap so captivating and quick,

I thought it was lip sync’d, the old Milli Vanilli trick.

But the beatboxing was masterful and the rhymes they were spittin’,

And they whistled, and shouted, and the viewers were smitten.

“Yo, one – two check on the mic, ain’t we lookin’ glossy,

This is MC Rabbi with K-Unit,and the Bethlehem 3,  my number one posse.

Why all the Po-Po arriving to stick us on the jail bus?

Cause we celebrate our faith in something bigger than us.

Whether it’s restoring God’s Temple, baby Jesus or African tradition,

Recognizing these events shouldn’t cause such perdition.

The ACLU hates us, they ain’t down with permission,

So, they make threats and lawsuits to put us out of commission.

What’s the problem with a menorah, the creche’ or a Kwanzaa kinara?

We celebrate Columbus, the Earth and Valentine’s Day.”

Then, as fast they could, this eclectic group leapt

from 1600 Pennsylvannia to the Supreme Court steps.

“Yo, Stevens, Alito, Scalia and Breyer,

If there’s no room for sacred holidays why don’t you retire?

What up Kennedy, Souter, Stevens and Thomas?

Stop endorsing the ACLU’s hating and make us a promise.

Let us honor our cultures, holidays and faith,

Come on Chief Justice Roberts, give us a break.”

Then Robert’s eyes — how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!

Alito’s cheeks were like roses, Scalia’s nose like a cherry!

But Ginsburg’s tiny little mouth scrunched tight like a bow,

While the hair on Thomas and Kennedy gleamed white as snow.

Justice Souter’s jaw was clinched tight, grinding his teeth,

And Judge Steven’s ears smoked as his hands shook beneath.

And Breyer’s broad face showed so much reflection,

As the court pondered these citizens, their pain and rejection.

All at once, in a flash, appeared a jolly old elf,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself.

With a wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

He let me know I had nothing to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

putting tolerance in the heart of anti-Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa jerk.

Then pointing his finger toward the Senate and House of Reps,

He magically appeared on the Capitol steps.

There he lit the menorah and the kinara, too,

as he gave the baby Jesus a hug, you could hear cows moo.

Then, he jumped in his sleigh, and as he drove out of sight, He shouted:

“Happy ChristmaHanuKwanzakah! Now, just stop the silly legal fight.”