USA Today Gallup Poll: The Whys Behind Who Americans Admire Most

Posted in Humorously Speaking with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 26, 2008 by andeeroo

A USA TODAY/GALLUP POLL of one thousand and eight people revealed the top men and women Americans admire most. What they chose not to reveal was “why?” Since I believe in full disclosure (a journalistic nudist, if you will), you will find in this missive the most oft cited reasons for the the top five men and women.

Your post-Christmas challenge is to match the reasons with the admired.

What man living today do you admire most?
1. Barack Obama 32%
2. George W. Bush 5%
3. John McCain 3%
4. Pope Benedict XVI 2%
5. Billy Graham 2%

WHY?
a. “He’s a master absolver, and he’s got an awesome, one of a kind hat you can also use for fine cutting of wood.”

b. “His political policies bring all the boys to yard. . . AND he used to go by Barry when he was in the Choom gang.”

c. “He looked into a man’s soul and saw something that kept him from going nuclear on that man’s neo-monarchy.”

d. “Just as he is without one plea, except he’s quite admirable to me.”

e. “I admire this dude cause he’s got all the beer he can drink in a new house every night.”

What woman living today do you admire most?
1. Hillary Clinton 20%
2. Sarah Palin 11%
3. Oprah Winfrey 8%
4. Condoleezza Rice 7%
5. Michelle Obama 3%

WHY?
f. “She’s powerful, smart and a San Francisco treat.”

g. “I admire her because she taught me “you can’t have everything, because I already have everything, so you better start doing!”

h. “She once beat James Carville senseless with a collector’s edition of “Ain’t I a Woman?”

i. “I admire her for “playing hard to get” with her home nation. After graduating from 2 Ivy league schools and serving as a member of 5 prestigious boards, she finally decided to be proud of the U.S.A.”

j. “Once, when faced down by an angry elk and lacking a gun, this gal actually hurled a bullet through the elk and dropped him cold.”

Drop your wisest answers in the comments section

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Headline Christmas Songs You’ll Never Forget: 2008

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 24, 2008 by andeeroo

As we settle in for a bit of hot chocolate, twinkling lights and a blazing yule log, I thought it might be appropriate to consider some of the Christmas songs that became popular in 2008:


Santa Claus is Seeking a Bailout

“You better watch out, he’s caught in the red, the elves are on strike,
holiday sales are bout dead. . . Santa Claus is seeking a bailout”


Grandma Got Runover by Foreclosure

“Grandma got runover by foreclosure, tried to refi her interest only loan.
Now she can’t afford to buy her groceries, and she’s reduced to skin and bones.”

Jingle ‘Bama Rock
“Jingle bam, jingle bam jingle Obama,
jingle the white house, jingle the congress,
snowin’ and blowin’ the left and the right,
he’s leading down the center line”


Away in a Motown –

“Away in a Motown, no funds to go on, the big 3 automakers can no longer press on.
They fly to DC in their private jets to beg. The 3 auto CEO’s seek millions today.”

We wish you a Czarist Russia –
“Oh, bring back Vladmir Putin, oh bring back Vladmir Putin,
he’s still our leader anyway and mother Russia loves him.”


I Saw Bin Laden Just Last Ramadan

I saw Bin Laden just last Ramadan,
Laughing at our U.S. intelligence,
He hides beneath the mountains, of northern Pakistan,
He lives inside a big cave, with lots of his henchmen.

Please add your 2008 Christmas favorites in the comments section.

Blagojevich is Innocent – His Hair is Criminal!

Posted in Humorously Speaking with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 23, 2008 by andeeroo

The dirty political tale being told in the state of Illinois and the selling of a U.S. Senate seat is just the tip of the iceberg.

Here’s the first shocker:  Governor Rod Blagojevich is innnocent of all FBI corruption charges being leveled against him.

That’s right – innocent. The wiretaps, damning testimonies, alleged dirty Chicago politics are all a frame job on Blagojevich.

The reason why is the bigger bomb I’m dropping:

Blagojevich’s HAIR is guilty of everything!

Note Blagojevich is tight lipped - BUT HIS HAIR SPEAKS VOLUMES!

Note Blagojevich is tight lipped - BUT HIS HAIR SPEAKS VOLUMES!

Now, before you brush this off as another urban legend or crazy train talk, consider the facts you haven’t seen in the headlines.

Gov. Rod Blogojevich is actually bald. Next time you see him on the news, take a closer look:  THE HAIR actually moves independently of him.  A life force unto itself, THE HAIR proudly rests upon his head a follicle king, sitting on its throne of deceit.

Quiet investigations by Chicago geneaology expert Daniel Rostendoliak have revealed Blago’s HAIR is actually the out-of-hairlock child of country singer Lyle Lovett and one of Patti LaBelle’s wigs (believed to be the blue one with       24″ high spikes). Rostendoliak further stated independent DNA tests prove THE HAIR is an undeniable  blend of Texas D.A. and synthetic soul.

THE HAIR (which I will NOW call “Bouffo” along with other suffixes to distinguish it from the Governor)  first met Rod Blogojevich in 1974 at the University of Tampa.  Blogo was a bald underclassman looking to fit in – “Bouffanovich”         a shrewd, hard-partying blow-dried lady killer, looking for a place to land. Blago and “Bouffant” struck up a close friendship.

The defining moment of their Tampa days came when both tried out for the university debate squad and discovered there was only one slot open on the team. That day they decided to join forces and their relationship gelled quickly. Their chemistry was so successful, Blago invited “Bouffana” to move in with him.  Soon, they were inseparable.

In 1977 Blago and “Bouffo” transferred to prestigious Northwestern University (where “Bouffipitt” was offered a separate scholarship in Drama). But their sights were set on government and they eventually graduated with a shared B.A. in Political Science.

Interestingly it was THE HAIR that struck up the romance that led to marriage with powerful Chicago Alderman Richard Mell’s daughter, Patty. She fell hard for the sexy coiffure and never looked back. When they walked the aisle, Blago’s noggin was just a glorified pedestal for Patty Mell to admire “Bouffanovich” on. A seemingly joyous time was actually sealing an already parasitic relationship.

The “Bouffocrat” quickly took to Chicago style politics. His great intellect, sharp wit and take-no-prisoners style of campaigning won him a state representative position as well as private meetings with Bill and Hillary Clinton, Mayor Richard Daley, Jr. (hair definitely his own) and Al Sharpton (whose hair is from another planet).

Blagojevich actually wanted to take an honest course in government, but yielded to pressure from “Bouffant” and wife Patti’s threats to run off with THE HAIR and leave Blago bald and alone.  “Bouffanamana” and Patty partied hard and demanded patronage from every person they could shave or clip. For those who refused to give tribute, punishment included a vicious cursing, withholding of precious government funding or having to style one’s hair to resemble Blago’s coiff.

The hair was hated and feared in Illinois politics: these were truly dreaded locks.

When Blagojevich was elected governor of Illinois he knew the shots would be called by THE HAIR.  It was “Bouffanovich” that hatched the hare-brained scheme to sell the empty senate seat of Barack Obama to the highest bidder.  An uncoiffured report states Jesse Jackson Jr. offered cash AND lifetime jeri curls to “Bouffant” if chosen to replace Obama.

So, what is the bottom line to this story?  Every wiretap referred to by the FBI was actually THE HAIR talking.

Every on-camera denial was off the top of Blagojevich’s head, not from his heart. Which means everything he has said or will say to the press proves he’s out-of-his-mind.

Now many will feel I’m just splitting hairs. but if justice is to be served, these hidden facts must be used to help the innocent Blagojevich part ways with this “Hair from Hades”.

Those of us who refuse to stand for tinted journalism cannot afford to let the this story dye.

Until the truth revealed in this article vindicates Rod Blagojevich and convicts this criminal hair there will be no highlights in Illinois politics – and every day will be a bad hair day for the state Democratic party.

Exposing the TRUTH about the Iraqi Shoe Bombing of President Bush

Posted in The Hell You Say! with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 15, 2008 by andeeroo

So, everyone is all up in arms about the shoe tossing at President Bush by Iraqi journalist Muntadhar al-Zaidi at a news conference with the Iraqi Prime Minister. Was it inappropriate? Sure. No one threw shoes at President elect Obama after his victory (rumor has it Sarah Palin AND Hillary Clinton gave it serious consideration; but both chose a more courageous path).

Now, before we string up this guy or mock President Bush for the balance of his term, we need to take a more “hole-istic” view of this man’s shoes and actions.

First: the press communicated that this is the ultimate sign of disrespect in the Iraqi culture. I refuse to believe this is worse than:

  • being voted in as President of Iraq in  free and open election.
  • receiving any award given by Spike TV.
  • being buried in the ground and stoned because you are gay.

Second:  President Bush showed great grace and generosity under fire: to  al-Zaidi:

  • What the press failed to report was the President not only returned the tossed shoes, he also gave the man a gift of Berluti Italian loafers. At $700 a pair, he is likely to keep those babies on his tootsies at his next press conference.

al-Zaidi comes from a family tradition of shoe tossing:

  • His forefathers threw sandals at Muslim leaders in the past (all relatives were one and done: his survival is a record setting first).
  • Farther back in time, they threw actual feet (owners attached) Not as effective or as accurate.

He measures his options well:

  • As a young journalist in 2001, al-Zaidi considered throwing his shoes at Saddam Hussein’s son, Uday. However, al-Zaidi was unwilling to have his feet caned, be dragged through gravel and made to sit in a tank of urine; a favorited tactic of Uday with Iraqi Olympians who failed to win medals.
  • Muntadhar al-Zaidi also hates Iran. But after considering the actual decapitation of his head and removal of      his feet, he chose to pass on the weekend press conference with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. . . democracy wins out over religious rule again.

Apparently al-Zaidi was not angry about Iraqi independence:

  • He was actually infuriated that his $6 million dollar bid to Gov. Blagojevich of Illinois for the open Senate Seat was turned down because it was in Iraqi Dinars.
  • He then responded to the ad for the Illinois Senate seat on E-bay and ended up winning a physical chair from the Senate – you’d be angry too; the same leather seat is $350 at Office Max.

Time does not allow me to address the deep seated depression al-Zaidi suffers from due to his athlete’s foot, bunions and chronic dislike of the Kurds.

However, I would suggest a positive gesture from readers of this honest coverage: leave a comment sharing more appropriate items to be thrown at world leaders for future press conferences.

‘TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE SECULAR, WINTER HOLIDAY

Posted in A Merry Heart, Humorously Speaking with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 12, 2008 by andeeroo

So it’s the holiday season and we’re all having to listen to the absurd legal arguments against public displays that celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanzaa.  Then it hit me: how would Clement Clarke Moore craft his famous poem if he lived in America today? Here’s my take:

‘Twas the night before secular, winter holiday – that’s what it’s called now,

and not a religious figure was stirring, not even a sacred cow.

The children were dressed in blankets and towels with care,

Planning to act in a manger scene on the town square.

But the politically correct were horrified and appalled,

So the ACLU filed lawsuits having the performance outlawed.

And the Rabbi at City Hall with his menorah ready to light,

found his Hanukkah display outlawed in this bizarre legal fight.

And at the public park where the Kwanzaa display had arisen,

The local constables were taking the folks in Dashikis to prison.

Then suddenly, on the White House lawn there arose such a clatter,

I flipped on CNN to see what was the matter.

All across America there came a breaking story,

Covered by every TV host, even Springer and Maury.

As the moon beamed down on new-fallen snow,

It gave a revealing light to the holiday battle below.

Now who should appear on the TV almost before you could tune it,

But a Rabbi, Joseph and Mary and the Hip-Hop group, Kwanzaa Unit.

All together they started to lay down a rap so captivating and quick,

I thought it was lip sync’d, the old Milli Vanilli trick.

But the beatboxing was masterful and the rhymes they were spittin’,

And they whistled, and shouted, and the viewers were smitten.

“Yo, one – two check on the mic, ain’t we lookin’ glossy,

This is MC Rabbi with K-Unit,and the Bethlehem 3,  my number one posse.

Why all the Po-Po arriving to stick us on the jail bus?

Cause we celebrate our faith in something bigger than us.

Whether it’s restoring God’s Temple, baby Jesus or African tradition,

Recognizing these events shouldn’t cause such perdition.

The ACLU hates us, they ain’t down with permission,

So, they make threats and lawsuits to put us out of commission.

What’s the problem with a menorah, the creche’ or a Kwanzaa kinara?

We celebrate Columbus, the Earth and Valentine’s Day.”

Then, as fast they could, this eclectic group leapt

from 1600 Pennsylvannia to the Supreme Court steps.

“Yo, Stevens, Alito, Scalia and Breyer,

If there’s no room for sacred holidays why don’t you retire?

What up Kennedy, Souter, Stevens and Thomas?

Stop endorsing the ACLU’s hating and make us a promise.

Let us honor our cultures, holidays and faith,

Come on Chief Justice Roberts, give us a break.”

Then Robert’s eyes — how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!

Alito’s cheeks were like roses, Scalia’s nose like a cherry!

But Ginsburg’s tiny little mouth scrunched tight like a bow,

While the hair on Thomas and Kennedy gleamed white as snow.

Justice Souter’s jaw was clinched tight, grinding his teeth,

And Judge Steven’s ears smoked as his hands shook beneath.

And Breyer’s broad face showed so much reflection,

As the court pondered these citizens, their pain and rejection.

All at once, in a flash, appeared a jolly old elf,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself.

With a wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

He let me know I had nothing to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

putting tolerance in the heart of anti-Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa jerk.

Then pointing his finger toward the Senate and House of Reps,

He magically appeared on the Capitol steps.

There he lit the menorah and the kinara, too,

as he gave the baby Jesus a hug, you could hear cows moo.

Then, he jumped in his sleigh, and as he drove out of sight, He shouted:

“Happy ChristmaHanuKwanzakah! Now, just stop the silly legal fight.”

What Brad Pitt, Will Smith, David Beckham and Me (in a Pantry) Have in Common

Posted in Humorously Speaking with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 10, 2008 by andeeroo

So Today was “Call in Gay” day.  Not sure that taking free time in protest and leaving others to do extra work is the way to change the point of view of your workmate.  Move (ing) On.

This isn’t going to be easy. Telling the truth seldom is. But here goes: I’m HAPPY.

I can hear the gasps of astonishment and shock cum anger already. I realize coming out about my HAPPY lifestyle is far from acceptable in our politically correct society. But frankly, I was tired of hiding the truth.  My wife has decided to come clean on living this lifestyle as well. She is also extremely HAPPY.

Our lifestyle choice seems to have fallen so far out of favor that it is nearly unacceptable in tolerant society. This has left us hiding our lifestyle in the pantry (the closet was taken).  It seems every time we tell others about our sexual orientation (“exclusive” sex between opposite genders), our fidelity (twenty-eight years), and our desire to remain life partners (good and bad, til death do us part), so many people roll their eyes and remark how our HAPPY lifestyle is so “nostalgic,” “quaint,” even archaic. Yeah, just like David and Victoria Beckham, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and Will and Jada Pinkett Smith . . . all of us incredibly renaissance in our sexual lifestyles.

Well, with all due respect to live-ins, one nighters, same sexers and every other fashionable lifestyler;  I will be silent no longer. Not only am I proud to be out and part of the HAPPY community, I want the world to know just how HAPPY I am. I’m thinking a few protest marches are in order. A legal defense organization: the AHLU, and an international organization: The HAPPY Liberation Movement.

Maybe some slogans for bumper stickers like:

“Married People Do It to Death.”

“Great Sex Comes From Happy People”

“Passion AND Procreation: whatta country!”

” I’m a Happy, Hetero Homosapien”

I’m feeling better already. My wife and I are so out of the closet that we’re  raising our children to be openly “HAPPY.”  My wife and I live our “HAPPY” lifestyle right in front of them and all the world. If our kids choose a “HAPPY” lifestyle, so be it. We’ll love them and support them all the way.

Who knows? Perhaps even Hollywood will take up our cause. The next thing you know, we’ll see major actors portraying marital fidelity in major motion pictures – blatant happiness in full color and dolby digital sound.

Maybe there will be a “Will and Grace” reunion where Jack falls for Grace and ends up walking the aisle with her (Hey! It could happen, if Hollywood writers were just a little more creative and open-minded). Or we might even see a wacky reality series on television about the romantic reward and emotional satisfaction of saving your virginity to share with your one, true love:  “Survivor”.

Calling all “HAPPY” people hiding their lifestyles in the pantry.

It’s time to come out. Start flaunting your commitment and satisfaction with the ones you love. Let the world know how HAPPY you really are!

Would God Pollute or Protest the Condition of Creation?

Posted in For Heaven's Sake! with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 9, 2008 by andeeroo

I just finished reading a powerful report from a journalist who followed the length of the Ganges River is India. tributary stretches from the Himalayas to the Bay of Bengal. It holds tremendous cultural and religious value to the Hindi people. Yet it has become a toxic disaster, flowing with deadly chemicals, disposed bodies and the polluted sewage of cities and towns. India’s Center for Science and the Environment confirms “Polluted river water is the biggest cause of skin problems, disabilities and high infant mortality rates.”

Reporter Joshua Hammer notes the most devout are risking their lives in honoring their beliefs: “They want to touch the water, rub their bodies in the water, sip the water,” he said, “and someday they will die because if it.”

Of course the Ganges is just one example of the troubles people are causing around the globe by not showing proper stewardship for the planet God has given us.  Our drive for resources and profit often outstrips the nobility and responsiblity of making sure each generation leaves the earth in healthy working order for our descendants. Over several generations, someone finally ends up with a shop-worn Terra firma that can no longer provide the world’s inhabitants their daily bread.

When we look at Isaiah Chapter 24, a potential picture of our environmental condition and future reveals itself in verses 4-5:

The earth dries up and withers, the world languishes and withers,  the exalted of the earth languish.

The earth is defiled by its people; they have disobeyed the laws, violated the statutes and broken the everlasting covenant.

Are humans disobeying God’s innate laws for care taking of His creation?  Are we defiling our mountains, fields oceans and rivers? Is the earth and all the wonderful blessings it provides us in an irreversible decline?

If God walked among us again, would He take interest in how we care for His creation?  Or would He leave the role of environmental stewardship to “Greenpeace” and “The Sierra Club?”