Ahh, the new year is upon us and it’s time for resolutions.
Mark Twain said: “. . .Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.”‘
Not to disagree with Mr. Clemens, but I believe there are categories for new year’s resolutions: some attainable, some worth striving for; others just plain bad ideas. So, without further ado, here are my humble entries for the Good, the Bad and the Ugly of resolutions:
The Good resolutions:
* Attain World Peace
* Keep President Obama and his pen away from F.O.C.A.
* Lindsay Lohan dedicating her life to providing clear skin for all teenagers
* High School Musical 4 !
* Work together to cause Global Cooling
The Bad resolutions:
* Anything to do with dieting
* Pledge to write and speak only Latin
(especially those annoying “Laticons” in text messaging)
* Break up with any habit that’s always been there for you
* Support Paul Reuben’s comeback
* Bring back Pepsi Clear.
The Ugly resolutions:
* Start a write-in campaign to save Rosie O’Donnell’s variety show
* President Bush suspends habeas corpus and invokes Martian law (alien malprop intentional)
* ANYTHING to do with the Palestinians; even schwarma.
* Pledge to make meals with quail eggs and banana blossoms in coconut cream.
* Combine slang from the sixties and the nineties to create new phrases: “Far out, man. True dat.” or “What it do, groovy cat?”
This list merely forms the tip of the resolution iceberg. Please lend your insight and mirth to the list.
Share your good, bad or ugly resolutions in comments.
And In closing, the slate is blank, the year is new, may each of you know love, health, wisdom and may God bless you.