The dirty political tale being told in the state of Illinois and the selling of a U.S. Senate seat is just the tip of the iceberg.
Here’s the first shocker: Governor Rod Blagojevich is innnocent of all FBI corruption charges being leveled against him.
That’s right – innocent. The wiretaps, damning testimonies, alleged dirty Chicago politics are all a frame job on Blagojevich.
The reason why is the bigger bomb I’m dropping:
Blagojevich’s HAIR is guilty of everything!
Now, before you brush this off as another urban legend or crazy train talk, consider the facts you haven’t seen in the headlines.
Gov. Rod Blogojevich is actually bald. Next time you see him on the news, take a closer look: THE HAIR actually moves independently of him. A life force unto itself, THE HAIR proudly rests upon his head a follicle king, sitting on its throne of deceit.
Quiet investigations by Chicago geneaology expert Daniel Rostendoliak have revealed Blago’s HAIR is actually the out-of-hairlock child of country singer Lyle Lovett and one of Patti LaBelle’s wigs (believed to be the blue one with 24″ high spikes). Rostendoliak further stated independent DNA tests prove THE HAIR is an undeniable blend of Texas D.A. and synthetic soul.
THE HAIR (which I will NOW call “Bouffo” along with other suffixes to distinguish it from the Governor) first met Rod Blogojevich in 1974 at the University of Tampa. Blogo was a bald underclassman looking to fit in – “Bouffanovich” a shrewd, hard-partying blow-dried lady killer, looking for a place to land. Blago and “Bouffant” struck up a close friendship.
The defining moment of their Tampa days came when both tried out for the university debate squad and discovered there was only one slot open on the team. That day they decided to join forces and their relationship gelled quickly. Their chemistry was so successful, Blago invited “Bouffana” to move in with him. Soon, they were inseparable.
In 1977 Blago and “Bouffo” transferred to prestigious Northwestern University (where “Bouffipitt” was offered a separate scholarship in Drama). But their sights were set on government and they eventually graduated with a shared B.A. in Political Science.
Interestingly it was THE HAIR that struck up the romance that led to marriage with powerful Chicago Alderman Richard Mell’s daughter, Patty. She fell hard for the sexy coiffure and never looked back. When they walked the aisle, Blago’s noggin was just a glorified pedestal for Patty Mell to admire “Bouffanovich” on. A seemingly joyous time was actually sealing an already parasitic relationship.
The “Bouffocrat” quickly took to Chicago style politics. His great intellect, sharp wit and take-no-prisoners style of campaigning won him a state representative position as well as private meetings with Bill and Hillary Clinton, Mayor Richard Daley, Jr. (hair definitely his own) and Al Sharpton (whose hair is from another planet).
Blagojevich actually wanted to take an honest course in government, but yielded to pressure from “Bouffant” and wife Patti’s threats to run off with THE HAIR and leave Blago bald and alone. “Bouffanamana” and Patty partied hard and demanded patronage from every person they could shave or clip. For those who refused to give tribute, punishment included a vicious cursing, withholding of precious government funding or having to style one’s hair to resemble Blago’s coiff.
The hair was hated and feared in Illinois politics: these were truly dreaded locks.
When Blagojevich was elected governor of Illinois he knew the shots would be called by THE HAIR. It was “Bouffanovich” that hatched the hare-brained scheme to sell the empty senate seat of Barack Obama to the highest bidder. An uncoiffured report states Jesse Jackson Jr. offered cash AND lifetime jeri curls to “Bouffant” if chosen to replace Obama.
So, what is the bottom line to this story? Every wiretap referred to by the FBI was actually THE HAIR talking.
Every on-camera denial was off the top of Blagojevich’s head, not from his heart. Which means everything he has said or will say to the press proves he’s out-of-his-mind.
Now many will feel I’m just splitting hairs. but if justice is to be served, these hidden facts must be used to help the innocent Blagojevich part ways with this “Hair from Hades”.
Those of us who refuse to stand for tinted journalism cannot afford to let the this story dye.
Until the truth revealed in this article vindicates Rod Blagojevich and convicts this criminal hair there will be no highlights in Illinois politics – and every day will be a bad hair day for the state Democratic party.