Archive for Family

What Brad Pitt, Will Smith, David Beckham and Me (in a Pantry) Have in Common

Posted in Humorously Speaking with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 10, 2008 by andeeroo

So Today was “Call in Gay” day.  Not sure that taking free time in protest and leaving others to do extra work is the way to change the point of view of your workmate.  Move (ing) On.

This isn’t going to be easy. Telling the truth seldom is. But here goes: I’m HAPPY.

I can hear the gasps of astonishment and shock cum anger already. I realize coming out about my HAPPY lifestyle is far from acceptable in our politically correct society. But frankly, I was tired of hiding the truth.  My wife has decided to come clean on living this lifestyle as well. She is also extremely HAPPY.

Our lifestyle choice seems to have fallen so far out of favor that it is nearly unacceptable in tolerant society. This has left us hiding our lifestyle in the pantry (the closet was taken).  It seems every time we tell others about our sexual orientation (“exclusive” sex between opposite genders), our fidelity (twenty-eight years), and our desire to remain life partners (good and bad, til death do us part), so many people roll their eyes and remark how our HAPPY lifestyle is so “nostalgic,” “quaint,” even archaic. Yeah, just like David and Victoria Beckham, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and Will and Jada Pinkett Smith . . . all of us incredibly renaissance in our sexual lifestyles.

Well, with all due respect to live-ins, one nighters, same sexers and every other fashionable lifestyler;  I will be silent no longer. Not only am I proud to be out and part of the HAPPY community, I want the world to know just how HAPPY I am. I’m thinking a few protest marches are in order. A legal defense organization: the AHLU, and an international organization: The HAPPY Liberation Movement.

Maybe some slogans for bumper stickers like:

“Married People Do It to Death.”

“Great Sex Comes From Happy People”

“Passion AND Procreation: whatta country!”

” I’m a Happy, Hetero Homosapien”

I’m feeling better already. My wife and I are so out of the closet that we’re  raising our children to be openly “HAPPY.”  My wife and I live our “HAPPY” lifestyle right in front of them and all the world. If our kids choose a “HAPPY” lifestyle, so be it. We’ll love them and support them all the way.

Who knows? Perhaps even Hollywood will take up our cause. The next thing you know, we’ll see major actors portraying marital fidelity in major motion pictures – blatant happiness in full color and dolby digital sound.

Maybe there will be a “Will and Grace” reunion where Jack falls for Grace and ends up walking the aisle with her (Hey! It could happen, if Hollywood writers were just a little more creative and open-minded). Or we might even see a wacky reality series on television about the romantic reward and emotional satisfaction of saving your virginity to share with your one, true love:  “Survivor”.

Calling all “HAPPY” people hiding their lifestyles in the pantry.

It’s time to come out. Start flaunting your commitment and satisfaction with the ones you love. Let the world know how HAPPY you really are!

Would God Pollute or Protest the Condition of Creation?

Posted in For Heaven's Sake! with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 9, 2008 by andeeroo

I just finished reading a powerful report from a journalist who followed the length of the Ganges River is India. tributary stretches from the Himalayas to the Bay of Bengal. It holds tremendous cultural and religious value to the Hindi people. Yet it has become a toxic disaster, flowing with deadly chemicals, disposed bodies and the polluted sewage of cities and towns. India’s Center for Science and the Environment confirms “Polluted river water is the biggest cause of skin problems, disabilities and high infant mortality rates.”

Reporter Joshua Hammer notes the most devout are risking their lives in honoring their beliefs: “They want to touch the water, rub their bodies in the water, sip the water,” he said, “and someday they will die because if it.”

Of course the Ganges is just one example of the troubles people are causing around the globe by not showing proper stewardship for the planet God has given us.  Our drive for resources and profit often outstrips the nobility and responsiblity of making sure each generation leaves the earth in healthy working order for our descendants. Over several generations, someone finally ends up with a shop-worn Terra firma that can no longer provide the world’s inhabitants their daily bread.

When we look at Isaiah Chapter 24, a potential picture of our environmental condition and future reveals itself in verses 4-5:

The earth dries up and withers, the world languishes and withers,  the exalted of the earth languish.

The earth is defiled by its people; they have disobeyed the laws, violated the statutes and broken the everlasting covenant.

Are humans disobeying God’s innate laws for care taking of His creation?  Are we defiling our mountains, fields oceans and rivers? Is the earth and all the wonderful blessings it provides us in an irreversible decline?

If God walked among us again, would He take interest in how we care for His creation?  Or would He leave the role of environmental stewardship to “Greenpeace” and “The Sierra Club?” 

How to find that “unforgettable” Christmas gift in sixty seconds!

Posted in A Merry Heart with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 5, 2008 by andeeroo

The holidays can be extremely stressful. I hate trying to find the right gift for my family and friends. But bailing on my yule duty and giving a gift certificate doesn’t work either. I wouldn’t want to go in for a Doctor’s exam and be given a medical dictionary instead of a diagnosis.

But when I was flipping around TV the other night a moment of inspiration hit me; courtesy of Vinnie, with  “Sham-Wow” (it’s made in Germany). I decided to give everyone on my list “exclusive TV offer” gifts. They’re unique, easy to order and come with a 30 day money-back guarantee.

Here are just a few I’ve already ordered to provide the people I love and appreciate a distinctive holiday surprise:

THE HANDYSWITCH: Why use ten fingers when one will do?

If someone you love is too lazy to use “The Clapper” this remote control light switch will turn EVERY light in a room on with the press of a button. Far less effort than clapping, enough light for a prison yard and a slightly more sedentary life.

THE FLAT FOLD COLANDER: Spaghetti in any environment!

Every been caught traveling with an overwhelming desire to make spaghetti and thought “I wish I had room to pack my colander.” Now there’s a foot tall colander that folds linguini-flat and features a battery operated spin mode: so you or someone you love can enjoy pasta on the road.”

YOGA BOOTY BALLET: Hindu Hip Hop Your Way to Sexy Healthiness.

This holiday season, everyone knows a special someone who is a fitness nut, but bores with the same old routine. Not to worry, Yoga Booty Ballet to the rescue. This DVD teaches you how to frenetically change between awkward dance steps and peaceful stretching while “shaking what your momma gave ya” in between.  Who needs reincarnation, bling-bling or Swanlake when you can smash them all together in a 30 minute workout?

TATER MITTS: Rub your potatoes the “right” way!

How excited will your gift recipient be when they don these abrasive, blue rubber gloves and start to sensually massage their Idaho spuds? Within moments they’ll have peeled potatoes and a thousand little pieces of potato peelings scattered around the kitchen. WARNING: Don’t scratch any itch on your person unless you desire permanent ex-folliation.

DING KING: Amazing antiquing and stress-busting device.

Do you have a car, appliance or piece of furniture that just look “too new?”  You can give that item character by simply striking it with the amazing Ding King. Hit it a few times for that “oops” look; hit it ruthlessly to create that “ancient artifact” look. This might be the one gift to give everyone on your list this year.

CHILLOW: The “coolest” way to snooze!

This Christmas, take away the burden of your loved one flipping their pillow over and give them the feeling their sleeping in a hammock with a tropical breeze.  All you do is fill the Chillow with water, put it in the freezer for 2 hours, then get ready for a little rest and hypothermia.

THE NATURAL BRA: It’s bio-degradable!

The perfectly natural gift for your wife or girlfriend.  Strap free and that natural look for any woman: simply mark your skin with the special pencil, apply the double-stick adhesive, cut the silicone forms to shape, glue them into the invisible wrap-around band and half-a-day later, you’re ready to go!

Please feel free to leave any gift ideas you have have in the comments section. And remember: “supplies are limited – order before midnight!”

How do Zipcodes, Birthrates, Eggs and Butter Mathematically Reveal the anti-Christ?

Posted in A Merry Heart with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 1, 2008 by andeeroo

Watching out for the end of days and the rise of the anti-Christ are important concerns to many people of faith (and Cub fans who simply want to be put out of their misery).

Through the years, there have been many suspects: some popular like John F. Kennedy, others outrageous like Marilyn Manson and none as widely popular in the bible belt as the Pope.

But now a new candidate has arose. He’s suave, self-assured and graduated from Harvard (striking fear in Ivy leaguers from Princeton to Yale). Barack Obama. Now, before everyone jumps me with an argument about my politics, his ethnic heritage or the fact that I am a lifelong Cubs fan, give me a chance to show you the numbers; then decide. These are not wild machinations of some crazed man. I draw my evidence from the same well as tightly wound conspiricists on the Inter net. I simply choose to wink and smile as I use his legal name, damning evidence from the U.S. Postal Service and my simple projection of declining birthrates: all with some good old “evangelastic” presentation.

The President-elect  has 18 letters in his name. Barack (6) Hussein (7) Obama (5).

If we move just one letter from his middle to his last name you have 6 – 6 – 6. Now it does change his name to Barack Hussei Nobama but that’s majoring on minors. How about if we move the second “S” and leave the “N” alone? That way, it keeps the sounding of his middle name intact and improves the change of pronunciation of his last name from a negative sounding one to Sobama – all without sacrificing the incriminating 6 – 6 – 6.  Any better Mr. or Ms. skeptic?

Now, stop shaking your head and unfold those arms while you consider this: Obama lives in Chicago: also home to the zip code 60606. Since the value of zero is nothing, it doesn’t actually count. What happens when you remove those two zeros from the zip code? I’ll let you finish the math. Picked your jaw up from the floor yet?

There’s much more.  The building located at the center of the 6-( ) -6-( ) -6 zip code is the Chicago Mercantile Exchange. Once known by the innocent name “Butter and Egg Board,”  this hi-tech den of thieves is a place where all forms of commodities are traded by people “crying out” for more and more money.  And where does the love of money and frozen pork belly futures lead to . . ?  Lower Wacker Drive: a place of emptiness and desolation after rush hour: a pathway of darkness running directly below the seemingly innocent Upper Wacker Drive. Now, please allow a little elbow room on this end times equation as Mr. Barack Husein Sobama lives many miles away from this zip code. Nonetheless, it is assigned to his home town (and the Chicago Cubs).

Finally, President Obama and his wife end up having three more children while in office, they will have a family of 6. If each of his 4 children then has the national average for children – 1.5 – and each of those grandchildren has only 1 great grandchild each, the total number of his family (6) grandchildren(1.5 x 4=6) and each grandchild’s single child (6) brings us to the number 6-6-6.

Convinced yet? I could go on. If you take the number of states that voted for Obama and throw out the ones from D.C. all the way up through New England (except Maine), you have 18 blue states left: 6 in the west, 6 in middle America – 6 in the east.  Not to mention he resides in Cook County, Illinois; 18 letters divided equally 6 – 6 – 6, Oh, shut up about Cookco Untyil Linois, you’re just looking for excuses.

And yes, when you add up the number of national league pennants and world series the Cubs have one it equals 18. I know when you divide it by the number of central division titles you get 6 – 6- 6. But don’t even try to go there. . . Obama is a White Sox fan.