Ahh, the new year is upon us and it’s time for resolutions.
Mark Twain said: “. . .Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.”‘
Not to disagree with Mr. Clemens, but I believe there are categories for new year’s resolutions: some attainable, some worth striving for; others just plain bad ideas. So, without further ado, here are my humble entries for the Good, the Bad and the Ugly of resolutions:
The Good resolutions:
* Attain World Peace
* Keep President Obama and his pen away from F.O.C.A.
* Lindsay Lohan dedicating her life to providing clear skin for all teenagers
* High School Musical 4 !
* Work together to cause Global Cooling
The Bad resolutions:
* Anything to do with dieting
* Pledge to write and speak only Latin
(especially those annoying “Laticons” in text messaging)
* Break up with any habit that’s always been there for you
* Support Paul Reuben’s comeback
* Bring back Pepsi Clear.
The Ugly resolutions:
* Start a write-in campaign to save Rosie O’Donnell’s variety show
* President Bush suspends habeas corpus and invokes Martian law (alien malprop intentional)
* ANYTHING to do with the Palestinians; even schwarma.
* Pledge to make meals with quail eggs and banana blossoms in coconut cream.
* Combine slang from the sixties and the nineties to create new phrases: “Far out, man. True dat.” or “What it do, groovy cat?”
This list merely forms the tip of the resolution iceberg. Please lend your insight and mirth to the list.
Share your good, bad or ugly resolutions in comments.
And In closing, the slate is blank, the year is new, may each of you know love, health, wisdom and may God bless you.
As we settle in for a bit of hot chocolate, twinkling lights and a blazing yule log, I thought it might be appropriate to consider some of the Christmas songs that became popular in 2008:
Santa Claus is Seeking a Bailout
“You better watch out, he’s caught in the red, the elves are on strike,
holiday sales are bout dead. . . Santa Claus is seeking a bailout”
Grandma Got Runover by Foreclosure
“Grandma got runover by foreclosure, tried to refi her interest only loan.
Now she can’t afford to buy her groceries, and she’s reduced to skin and bones.”
Jingle ‘Bama Rock
“Jingle bam, jingle bam jingle Obama,
jingle the white house, jingle the congress,
snowin’ and blowin’ the left and the right,
he’s leading down the center line”
Away in a Motown –
“Away in a Motown, no funds to go on, the big 3 automakers can no longer press on.
They fly to DC in their private jets to beg. The 3 auto CEO’s seek millions today.”
We wish you a Czarist Russia –
“Oh, bring back Vladmir Putin, oh bring back Vladmir Putin,
he’s still our leader anyway and mother Russia loves him.”
I Saw Bin Laden Just Last Ramadan
I saw Bin Laden just last Ramadan,
Laughing at our U.S. intelligence,
He hides beneath the mountains, of northern Pakistan,
He lives inside a big cave, with lots of his henchmen.
Please add your 2008 Christmas favorites in the comments section.
The dirty political tale being told in the state of Illinois and the selling of a U.S. Senate seat is just the tip of the iceberg.
Here’s the first shocker: Governor Rod Blagojevich is innnocent of all FBI corruption charges being leveled against him.
That’s right – innocent. The wiretaps, damning testimonies, alleged dirty Chicago politics are all a frame job on Blagojevich.
The reason why is the bigger bomb I’m dropping:
Blagojevich’s HAIR is guilty of everything!
Note Blagojevich is tight lipped - BUT HIS HAIR SPEAKS VOLUMES!
Now, before you brush this off as another urban legend or crazy train talk, consider the facts you haven’t seen in the headlines.
Gov. Rod Blogojevich is actually bald. Next time you see him on the news, take a closer look: THE HAIR actually moves independently of him. A life force unto itself, THE HAIR proudly rests upon his head a follicle king, sitting on its throne of deceit.
Quiet investigations by Chicago geneaology expert Daniel Rostendoliak have revealed Blago’s HAIR is actually the out-of-hairlock child of country singer Lyle Lovett and one of Patti LaBelle’s wigs (believed to be the blue one with 24″ high spikes). Rostendoliak further stated independent DNA tests prove THE HAIR is an undeniable blend of Texas D.A. and synthetic soul.
THE HAIR (which I will NOW call “Bouffo” along with other suffixes to distinguish it from the Governor) first met Rod Blogojevich in 1974 at the University of Tampa. Blogo was a bald underclassman looking to fit in – “Bouffanovich” a shrewd, hard-partying blow-dried lady killer, looking for a place to land. Blago and “Bouffant” struck up a close friendship.
The defining moment of their Tampa days came when both tried out for the university debate squad and discovered there was only one slot open on the team. That day they decided to join forces and their relationship gelled quickly. Their chemistry was so successful, Blago invited “Bouffana” to move in with him. Soon, they were inseparable.
In 1977 Blago and “Bouffo” transferred to prestigious Northwestern University (where “Bouffipitt” was offered a separate scholarship in Drama). But their sights were set on government and they eventually graduated with a shared B.A. in Political Science.
Interestingly it was THE HAIR that struck up the romance that led to marriage with powerful Chicago Alderman Richard Mell’s daughter, Patty. She fell hard for the sexy coiffure and never looked back. When they walked the aisle, Blago’s noggin was just a glorified pedestal for Patty Mell to admire “Bouffanovich” on. A seemingly joyous time was actually sealing an already parasitic relationship.
The “Bouffocrat” quickly took to Chicago style politics. His great intellect, sharp wit and take-no-prisoners style of campaigning won him a state representative position as well as private meetings with Bill and Hillary Clinton, Mayor Richard Daley, Jr. (hair definitely his own) and Al Sharpton (whose hair is from another planet).
Blagojevich actually wanted to take an honest course in government, but yielded to pressure from “Bouffant” and wife Patti’s threats to run off with THE HAIR and leave Blago bald and alone. “Bouffanamana” and Patty partied hard and demanded patronage from every person they could shave or clip. For those who refused to give tribute, punishment included a vicious cursing, withholding of precious government funding or having to style one’s hair to resemble Blago’s coiff.
The hair was hated and feared in Illinois politics: these were truly dreaded locks.
When Blagojevich was elected governor of Illinois he knew the shots would be called by THE HAIR. It was “Bouffanovich” that hatched the hare-brained scheme to sell the empty senate seat of Barack Obama to the highest bidder. An uncoiffured report states Jesse Jackson Jr. offered cash AND lifetime jeri curls to “Bouffant” if chosen to replace Obama.
So, what is the bottom line to this story? Every wiretap referred to by the FBI was actually THE HAIR talking.
Every on-camera denial was off the top of Blagojevich’s head, not from his heart. Which means everything he has said or will say to the press proves he’s out-of-his-mind.
Now many will feel I’m just splitting hairs. but if justice is to be served, these hidden facts must be used to help the innocent Blagojevich part ways with this “Hair from Hades”.
Those of us who refuse to stand for tinted journalism cannot afford to let the this story dye.
Until the truth revealed in this article vindicates Rod Blagojevich and convicts this criminal hair there will be no highlights in Illinois politics – and every day will be a bad hair day for the state Democratic party.
Watching out for the end of days and the rise of the anti-Christ are important concerns to many people of faith (and Cub fans who simply want to be put out of their misery).
Through the years, there have been many suspects: some popular like John F. Kennedy, others outrageous like Marilyn Manson and none as widely popular in the bible belt as the Pope.
But now a new candidate has arose. He’s suave, self-assured and graduated from Harvard (striking fear in Ivy leaguers from Princeton to Yale). Barack Obama. Now, before everyone jumps me with an argument about my politics, his ethnic heritage or the fact that I am a lifelong Cubs fan, give me a chance to show you the numbers; then decide. These are not wild machinations of some crazed man. I draw my evidence from the same well as tightly wound conspiricists on the Inter net. I simply choose to wink and smile as I use his legal name, damning evidence from the U.S. Postal Service and my simple projection of declining birthrates: all with some good old “evangelastic” presentation.
The President-elect has 18 letters in his name. Barack (6) Hussein (7) Obama (5).
If we move just one letter from his middle to his last name you have 6 – 6 – 6. Now it does change his name to Barack Hussei Nobama but that’s majoring on minors. How about if we move the second “S” and leave the “N” alone? That way, it keeps the sounding of his middle name intact and improves the change of pronunciation of his last name from a negative sounding one to Sobama – all without sacrificing the incriminating 6 – 6 – 6. Any better Mr. or Ms. skeptic?
Now, stop shaking your head and unfold those arms while you consider this: Obama lives in Chicago: also home to the zip code 60606. Since the value of zero is nothing, it doesn’t actually count. What happens when you remove those two zeros from the zip code? I’ll let you finish the math. Picked your jaw up from the floor yet?
There’s much more. The building located at the center of the 6-( ) -6-( ) -6 zip code is the Chicago Mercantile Exchange. Once known by the innocent name “Butter and Egg Board,” this hi-tech den of thieves is a place where all forms of commodities are traded by people “crying out” for more and more money. And where does the love of money and frozen pork belly futures lead to . . ? Lower Wacker Drive: a place of emptiness and desolation after rush hour: a pathway of darkness running directly below the seemingly innocent Upper Wacker Drive. Now, please allow a little elbow room on this end times equation as Mr. Barack Husein Sobama lives many miles away from this zip code. Nonetheless, it is assigned to his home town (and the Chicago Cubs).
Finally, President Obama and his wife end up having three more children while in office, they will have a family of 6. If each of his 4 children then has the national average for children – 1.5 – and each of those grandchildren has only 1 great grandchild each, the total number of his family (6) grandchildren(1.5 x 4=6) and each grandchild’s single child (6) brings us to the number 6-6-6.
Convinced yet? I could go on. If you take the number of states that voted for Obama and throw out the ones from D.C. all the way up through New England (except Maine), you have 18 blue states left: 6 in the west, 6 in middle America – 6 in the east. Not to mention he resides in Cook County, Illinois; 18 letters divided equally 6 – 6 – 6, Oh, shut up about Cookco Untyil Linois, you’re just looking for excuses.
And yes, when you add up the number of national league pennants and world series the Cubs have one it equals 18. I know when you divide it by the number of central division titles you get 6 – 6- 6. But don’t even try to go there. . . Obama is a White Sox fan.
As a Conservative, it’s always tough to swallow when your philosophy and values have been kicked to the curb for (fingers crossed) the next four years.
But now that we’ve put a bit of distance from first Tuesday, I think it’s worth considering the right moves of the President-elect. It will set the jib and course for our nation through difficult waters. It can also teach all of us in “flyover” country a thing or too as we plan for the next election.
1. Being a “Community Organizer” paid off.
He was ridiculed by Hillary and McCain/Palin for only being a community organizer. Yet he used that knowledge and an incredible team of Internet professionals to generate tremendous grassroots support and a handsome campaign war chest: hunger for change provided all the change his campaign required.
2. Running a Campaign based on hope still works.
Like FDR, Reagan and Clinton before him, Barack Obama understood Americans hope for a better day. He energized the youth vote in America, stole the Hispanic vote from the Republicans and reclaimed the Reagan blue collar voters. Obama carefully avoided running on an “outrage against the establishment” or “anger against injustices to minorities” image. He spoke, debated and campaigned with a calm, measured demeanor, cooling expectations of a liberal revolution led by Bill Ayers or a Jesse Jackson – Al Sharpton – Jeremiah Washington troika in cabinet.
3. The President-elect chose experience over change in transition.
While many have complained about the number of Clinton administration picks by Obama, he has shrewdly decided that change does not equal stumbling around in the DC dark.
By choosing experienced transition team members he will step in to the Oval Office running full speed, able to take full advantage of the leverage of his first 100 days.
4. Lead from the middle.
He continues to send out the message that he will seek wide support in the Congress for proposals and actions in order to make “lasting” change. Time will tell if he can get the most liberal in his party to play with the most traditional in the Republican minority.
5. Practical battles over platform promises.
Tackling the financial debacle will trump health care reform – rethinking the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan will take precedence over kowtowing to special interest groups –
a radical independent energy program for America will influence the salvation of the automotive industry.
Can the “permanent Republican majority” claimed by Karl Rove be resuscitated? Are big business, strong military and security voters and Evangelicals still a good fit? Or do the ethics and morals of these groups no longer align as smoothly as before?
As we Conservatives work the kinks out and plan our political future, the five areas that provided Obama a healthy victory and quick start are well worth considering.
The election has concluded. While there will many with sore feelings, everyone who walks under the banner of Christ must come together and intercede for Barak Obama. We are specifically instructed to do so in the word of God. During the Clinton Presidency, Christians spent more time criticizing and hating the man than lifting him before the Lord. While he made mistakes in his personal life and Presidency, we failed the man and faltered in our duty as believers.
Why does Barak Obama need your prayers?
#1 He will make decisions that influence countless people in signficant ways.
#2 He faces incredibly difficult challenges in our economy, as well as two difficult wars in the Middle East. Barak Obama is an ordinary man who will require extraordinary wisdom and strength to deal
with these serious issues.
#3 He will be surrounded by many people who have their own agenda or simply want to be “yes” men to him. We must pray for wise counsel and truth to be presented to Barak Obama as he leads the nation.
#4 No matter what I Timothy tells us to do as believers, plenty of saints and sinners will slander and attack Barak Obama because he was not their candidate of choice or he does not represent all the policies they hold for government. The Bible clearly states that “the heart of the King is like a river in the hands of the Lord, that He turns whichever way He wishes.” Prayer changes things – hate and slander only fuels evil.
#5 There will be many temptations that the new President will have to face. Power, wealth and compromise. Still others will wish him ill. We must pray that the Lord guards his heart, protects the President and his family and steers him on the path of truth and righteousness during his time in office.
The Bible is full of examples of leaders who knew the blessings and guidance of God almighty and others who made the mistake of accepting bad counsel, falling to temptation or simply going their own way. Still others appeared to be ready to take nations on a path to destruction but found God’s blessing, direction and favor.
The next President of the United States is Barak Obama. The leadership he provides and decisions he makes are waiting to be affected by the prayers of the saints.
What will you do to honor God’s direction in I Timothy and help write the story of the next four years in America?