Archive for the Pope

USA Today Gallup Poll: The Whys Behind Who Americans Admire Most

Posted in Humorously Speaking with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 26, 2008 by andeeroo

A USA TODAY/GALLUP POLL of one thousand and eight people revealed the top men and women Americans admire most. What they chose not to reveal was “why?” Since I believe in full disclosure (a journalistic nudist, if you will), you will find in this missive the most oft cited reasons for the the top five men and women.

Your post-Christmas challenge is to match the reasons with the admired.

What man living today do you admire most?
1. Barack Obama 32%
2. George W. Bush 5%
3. John McCain 3%
4. Pope Benedict XVI 2%
5. Billy Graham 2%

WHY?
a. “He’s a master absolver, and he’s got an awesome, one of a kind hat you can also use for fine cutting of wood.”

b. “His political policies bring all the boys to yard. . . AND he used to go by Barry when he was in the Choom gang.”

c. “He looked into a man’s soul and saw something that kept him from going nuclear on that man’s neo-monarchy.”

d. “Just as he is without one plea, except he’s quite admirable to me.”

e. “I admire this dude cause he’s got all the beer he can drink in a new house every night.”

What woman living today do you admire most?
1. Hillary Clinton 20%
2. Sarah Palin 11%
3. Oprah Winfrey 8%
4. Condoleezza Rice 7%
5. Michelle Obama 3%

WHY?
f. “She’s powerful, smart and a San Francisco treat.”

g. “I admire her because she taught me “you can’t have everything, because I already have everything, so you better start doing!”

h. “She once beat James Carville senseless with a collector’s edition of “Ain’t I a Woman?”

i. “I admire her for “playing hard to get” with her home nation. After graduating from 2 Ivy league schools and serving as a member of 5 prestigious boards, she finally decided to be proud of the U.S.A.”

j. “Once, when faced down by an angry elk and lacking a gun, this gal actually hurled a bullet through the elk and dropped him cold.”

Drop your wisest answers in the comments section

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How do Zipcodes, Birthrates, Eggs and Butter Mathematically Reveal the anti-Christ?

Posted in A Merry Heart with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 1, 2008 by andeeroo

Watching out for the end of days and the rise of the anti-Christ are important concerns to many people of faith (and Cub fans who simply want to be put out of their misery).

Through the years, there have been many suspects: some popular like John F. Kennedy, others outrageous like Marilyn Manson and none as widely popular in the bible belt as the Pope.

But now a new candidate has arose. He’s suave, self-assured and graduated from Harvard (striking fear in Ivy leaguers from Princeton to Yale). Barack Obama. Now, before everyone jumps me with an argument about my politics, his ethnic heritage or the fact that I am a lifelong Cubs fan, give me a chance to show you the numbers; then decide. These are not wild machinations of some crazed man. I draw my evidence from the same well as tightly wound conspiricists on the Inter net. I simply choose to wink and smile as I use his legal name, damning evidence from the U.S. Postal Service and my simple projection of declining birthrates: all with some good old “evangelastic” presentation.

The President-elect  has 18 letters in his name. Barack (6) Hussein (7) Obama (5).

If we move just one letter from his middle to his last name you have 6 – 6 – 6. Now it does change his name to Barack Hussei Nobama but that’s majoring on minors. How about if we move the second “S” and leave the “N” alone? That way, it keeps the sounding of his middle name intact and improves the change of pronunciation of his last name from a negative sounding one to Sobama – all without sacrificing the incriminating 6 – 6 – 6.  Any better Mr. or Ms. skeptic?

Now, stop shaking your head and unfold those arms while you consider this: Obama lives in Chicago: also home to the zip code 60606. Since the value of zero is nothing, it doesn’t actually count. What happens when you remove those two zeros from the zip code? I’ll let you finish the math. Picked your jaw up from the floor yet?

There’s much more.  The building located at the center of the 6-( ) -6-( ) -6 zip code is the Chicago Mercantile Exchange. Once known by the innocent name “Butter and Egg Board,”  this hi-tech den of thieves is a place where all forms of commodities are traded by people “crying out” for more and more money.  And where does the love of money and frozen pork belly futures lead to . . ?  Lower Wacker Drive: a place of emptiness and desolation after rush hour: a pathway of darkness running directly below the seemingly innocent Upper Wacker Drive. Now, please allow a little elbow room on this end times equation as Mr. Barack Husein Sobama lives many miles away from this zip code. Nonetheless, it is assigned to his home town (and the Chicago Cubs).

Finally, President Obama and his wife end up having three more children while in office, they will have a family of 6. If each of his 4 children then has the national average for children – 1.5 – and each of those grandchildren has only 1 great grandchild each, the total number of his family (6) grandchildren(1.5 x 4=6) and each grandchild’s single child (6) brings us to the number 6-6-6.

Convinced yet? I could go on. If you take the number of states that voted for Obama and throw out the ones from D.C. all the way up through New England (except Maine), you have 18 blue states left: 6 in the west, 6 in middle America – 6 in the east.  Not to mention he resides in Cook County, Illinois; 18 letters divided equally 6 – 6 – 6, Oh, shut up about Cookco Untyil Linois, you’re just looking for excuses.

And yes, when you add up the number of national league pennants and world series the Cubs have one it equals 18. I know when you divide it by the number of central division titles you get 6 – 6- 6. But don’t even try to go there. . . Obama is a White Sox fan.