Archive for Children

Merry Krumpus to You? The Anti-Santa of the Alpines

Posted in Humorously Speaking with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 22, 2009 by andeeroo

Saint Nick and the Krumpus Approach

As we enjoy the season of Christmas and prepare for it’s ultimate meaning, I have been wandering the internet considering other distinct holiday traditions that are not part of the American Yuletide season. Traditions like the Portugese Christmas morning meal with places set for dead relatives definitely caught my eye.The lines of Japanese trying to get into KFC for a traditional Christmas Chicken dinner entertained me (and reminded me of the power of advertising). And the Catalonian tradition of the “Caganer” statue found hidden away in Spanish and Italian Bethlehem scenes showing a man secretly relieving himself left me completely puzzled.

However, the Christmas season tradition that I couldn’t get off my mind was the “Krumpus” or “Krampas” from the Alpine countries of Austria, Germany and Switzerland.

In the good old U.S.A. kids are put on a “naughty” or “nice” list, resulting in sweet gifts or a lump of coal in their stocking. But in Germanic countries, an unruly or petulant child receives a holiday beating from a boozy, ill-tempered 7 ft goat man – the Krumpus.

Now, the Krumpus show up on the eve of Dec. 5th, swat the kids good and warn them they only have
3 weeks to shape up or instead of gifts they’ll receive a real beat down on Dec. 25th.

How did these guys ever get reduced to a lump of coal in America?

The only answer I could come up with: Liberals.

‘TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE SECULAR, WINTER HOLIDAY

Posted in A Merry Heart, Humorously Speaking with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 12, 2008 by andeeroo

So it’s the holiday season and we’re all having to listen to the absurd legal arguments against public displays that celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanzaa.  Then it hit me: how would Clement Clarke Moore craft his famous poem if he lived in America today? Here’s my take:

‘Twas the night before secular, winter holiday – that’s what it’s called now,

and not a religious figure was stirring, not even a sacred cow.

The children were dressed in blankets and towels with care,

Planning to act in a manger scene on the town square.

But the politically correct were horrified and appalled,

So the ACLU filed lawsuits having the performance outlawed.

And the Rabbi at City Hall with his menorah ready to light,

found his Hanukkah display outlawed in this bizarre legal fight.

And at the public park where the Kwanzaa display had arisen,

The local constables were taking the folks in Dashikis to prison.

Then suddenly, on the White House lawn there arose such a clatter,

I flipped on CNN to see what was the matter.

All across America there came a breaking story,

Covered by every TV host, even Springer and Maury.

As the moon beamed down on new-fallen snow,

It gave a revealing light to the holiday battle below.

Now who should appear on the TV almost before you could tune it,

But a Rabbi, Joseph and Mary and the Hip-Hop group, Kwanzaa Unit.

All together they started to lay down a rap so captivating and quick,

I thought it was lip sync’d, the old Milli Vanilli trick.

But the beatboxing was masterful and the rhymes they were spittin’,

And they whistled, and shouted, and the viewers were smitten.

“Yo, one – two check on the mic, ain’t we lookin’ glossy,

This is MC Rabbi with K-Unit,and the Bethlehem 3,  my number one posse.

Why all the Po-Po arriving to stick us on the jail bus?

Cause we celebrate our faith in something bigger than us.

Whether it’s restoring God’s Temple, baby Jesus or African tradition,

Recognizing these events shouldn’t cause such perdition.

The ACLU hates us, they ain’t down with permission,

So, they make threats and lawsuits to put us out of commission.

What’s the problem with a menorah, the creche’ or a Kwanzaa kinara?

We celebrate Columbus, the Earth and Valentine’s Day.”

Then, as fast they could, this eclectic group leapt

from 1600 Pennsylvannia to the Supreme Court steps.

“Yo, Stevens, Alito, Scalia and Breyer,

If there’s no room for sacred holidays why don’t you retire?

What up Kennedy, Souter, Stevens and Thomas?

Stop endorsing the ACLU’s hating and make us a promise.

Let us honor our cultures, holidays and faith,

Come on Chief Justice Roberts, give us a break.”

Then Robert’s eyes — how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!

Alito’s cheeks were like roses, Scalia’s nose like a cherry!

But Ginsburg’s tiny little mouth scrunched tight like a bow,

While the hair on Thomas and Kennedy gleamed white as snow.

Justice Souter’s jaw was clinched tight, grinding his teeth,

And Judge Steven’s ears smoked as his hands shook beneath.

And Breyer’s broad face showed so much reflection,

As the court pondered these citizens, their pain and rejection.

All at once, in a flash, appeared a jolly old elf,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself.

With a wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

He let me know I had nothing to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

putting tolerance in the heart of anti-Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa jerk.

Then pointing his finger toward the Senate and House of Reps,

He magically appeared on the Capitol steps.

There he lit the menorah and the kinara, too,

as he gave the baby Jesus a hug, you could hear cows moo.

Then, he jumped in his sleigh, and as he drove out of sight, He shouted:

“Happy ChristmaHanuKwanzakah! Now, just stop the silly legal fight.”

How do Zipcodes, Birthrates, Eggs and Butter Mathematically Reveal the anti-Christ?

Posted in A Merry Heart with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 1, 2008 by andeeroo

Watching out for the end of days and the rise of the anti-Christ are important concerns to many people of faith (and Cub fans who simply want to be put out of their misery).

Through the years, there have been many suspects: some popular like John F. Kennedy, others outrageous like Marilyn Manson and none as widely popular in the bible belt as the Pope.

But now a new candidate has arose. He’s suave, self-assured and graduated from Harvard (striking fear in Ivy leaguers from Princeton to Yale). Barack Obama. Now, before everyone jumps me with an argument about my politics, his ethnic heritage or the fact that I am a lifelong Cubs fan, give me a chance to show you the numbers; then decide. These are not wild machinations of some crazed man. I draw my evidence from the same well as tightly wound conspiricists on the Inter net. I simply choose to wink and smile as I use his legal name, damning evidence from the U.S. Postal Service and my simple projection of declining birthrates: all with some good old “evangelastic” presentation.

The President-elect  has 18 letters in his name. Barack (6) Hussein (7) Obama (5).

If we move just one letter from his middle to his last name you have 6 – 6 – 6. Now it does change his name to Barack Hussei Nobama but that’s majoring on minors. How about if we move the second “S” and leave the “N” alone? That way, it keeps the sounding of his middle name intact and improves the change of pronunciation of his last name from a negative sounding one to Sobama – all without sacrificing the incriminating 6 – 6 – 6.  Any better Mr. or Ms. skeptic?

Now, stop shaking your head and unfold those arms while you consider this: Obama lives in Chicago: also home to the zip code 60606. Since the value of zero is nothing, it doesn’t actually count. What happens when you remove those two zeros from the zip code? I’ll let you finish the math. Picked your jaw up from the floor yet?

There’s much more.  The building located at the center of the 6-( ) -6-( ) -6 zip code is the Chicago Mercantile Exchange. Once known by the innocent name “Butter and Egg Board,”  this hi-tech den of thieves is a place where all forms of commodities are traded by people “crying out” for more and more money.  And where does the love of money and frozen pork belly futures lead to . . ?  Lower Wacker Drive: a place of emptiness and desolation after rush hour: a pathway of darkness running directly below the seemingly innocent Upper Wacker Drive. Now, please allow a little elbow room on this end times equation as Mr. Barack Husein Sobama lives many miles away from this zip code. Nonetheless, it is assigned to his home town (and the Chicago Cubs).

Finally, President Obama and his wife end up having three more children while in office, they will have a family of 6. If each of his 4 children then has the national average for children – 1.5 – and each of those grandchildren has only 1 great grandchild each, the total number of his family (6) grandchildren(1.5 x 4=6) and each grandchild’s single child (6) brings us to the number 6-6-6.

Convinced yet? I could go on. If you take the number of states that voted for Obama and throw out the ones from D.C. all the way up through New England (except Maine), you have 18 blue states left: 6 in the west, 6 in middle America – 6 in the east.  Not to mention he resides in Cook County, Illinois; 18 letters divided equally 6 – 6 – 6, Oh, shut up about Cookco Untyil Linois, you’re just looking for excuses.

And yes, when you add up the number of national league pennants and world series the Cubs have one it equals 18. I know when you divide it by the number of central division titles you get 6 – 6- 6. But don’t even try to go there. . . Obama is a White Sox fan.    

Career Change Off-Limits to Porn Star?

Posted in The Hell You Say!, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on November 25, 2008 by andeeroo

Several years ago Louisa Tuck (stage name, Crystal Gunns) exploited plastic surgery and personal innocence in exchange for fast money. Today she works with children in elementary school and the YMCA in Vineland, New Jersey. By every measure, a career change in an honorable direction.

But Louisa Tuck has come under fire from parents and education administrators. They have no grounds for her dismissal based upon her work. She has proven herself to be positive and effective in her work with children. But her past still lives on through the internet and other media sources. And that past raises fears of parents and educators in Vineland.

Now the school board of Vineland has been tossed this hot potato and asked for a verdict.

Board of Education President Frank Giordano wants Louisa Tuck fired. He let concerned parents know if it was his decision alone, he would fire her and worry about consequences later.  District Superintendent  Lawyers for the school district have said no action should be taken against Tuck; she has done nothing to violate her duties as a Teacher’s Aide.

Two important issues beg discussion here:

#1 Jesus constantly demonstrated forgiveness to others and directed those people toward a redeemed life.  shouldn’t people (particularly of faith) offer a second chance to this woman?

#2  Five years removed from her former life, has Ms. Tuck significantly demonstrated her desire to leave her past behind and serve in a job that benefits children? If not, what amount of time marks the tipping point for her to clear her past?

So, is this a just war waged on Louisa Tuck or a modern-day stoning taking place in New Jersey?

Let’s Drown the Children We Don’t Like!

Posted in For Heaven's Sake! with tags , , , , , , , , on November 21, 2008 by andeeroo

by andy freeman
75 years ago the great Christian writer, philosopher and humorist G.K. Chesterton chose to address the hidden crime of abortion with incredibly insightful wit.

Some laughed; others who lacked a sense of humor were outraged at Chesterton’s suggestion that society “drown the children that were disliked.”

What the shallow-minded missed was Chesterton’s brilliant ridicule of abortion. If wise and decent people would never drown a child, why would they snuff out the life of a little infant boy or girl before we know how beautiful, wonderful and amazing that child might be?

In ancient cultures people actually sacrificed their infant children by the knife or burning them alive to the sun god or pretend, stone statues like Molech. In return they were told their crops would grow, their health would be good and their life would be spared suffering. But the promise was empty and the scar
that remained from taking the life of their own flesh and blood never left their broken heart or darkened mind.