Canadian Immigrants: The Icebacks Lie in Wait

No American Could EVER Bear This Christmas Story!!!!

First it was NHL Hockey. . . then Dan Akroyd and Michael J. Fox. . . how long until we have 51 Maple Leafs on our flag and the anthem for gay marriage in America becomes “God Save the Queens?”

It’s time for Americans to stop obsessing about our southern border and open their eyes to the insidious threat just across Niagra Falls. There lurks Canada. . . our alleged friends, aye?

While we ponder building a wall across southern Texas, Arizona and California and patrolling that border with M-1 tanks, our northern border is as porous as Sponge Bob Square Pants (he’s Canadian by the way).

So, how is it that the silent Canadian immigration plot and its “chilling” affect on our culture goes unnoticed? Subtlety, that’s how. If you keep smiling and insisting bacon is round, one day it will be!

You see, it all began with the injection of Arcadians into the Louisiana delta a few hundred years ago. That’s right. One big Canadian sleeper cell floated down the Mississippi to the bayou: their assignment?  To cause confusion to American dialects and ever-so-slowly destroy the our eco-balance in the deep south by eating the American crawfish into extinction. Once they’ve accomplished that goal (we are only a few years away), secret messages will be sent via Cajun and Zydeco music to the French Canadian population signalling them to overtake Vermont and claim it as an extension of Quebec. They immediately install Jerry Lewis as a comic deity. New laws will quickly eliminate American English and force children to only speak French or that painful New England accent like the Pepperidge Farm guy or Ted Kennedy. Each Sunday, enslaved Catamounts will be forced into Unitarian churches to watch films like “The Disorderly, Orderly” and reruns of Jerry Lewis “Labor Day” Telethons, followed by luncheons where snails and brie must be consumed in mass quantities.

So, while all you conservatives and conspiracists continue to overamp about our southern border – people who eat french fries with gravy are quietly infiltrating every fiber of our nation!!!

By the way, I’m not excusing the left from guilt. Michael Moore is a closet Canadian. And the left’s adoration of national healthcare and gun control is playing right into their Hoser little hands. Soon, we’ll be trading our rugged individualism for a free check up and a “hands up” for our hunting rifles.

And as if this were not enough, the Canadian government has now unleashed a far more evil plan: turning Americans into Canadians while they sleep. Like some demented tooth fairy, they now plan to offer citizenship for a mere 8 hours sleep. Don’t believe me? Watch this innocent looking PSA:

The truth can be shocking.  Right now there are nearly 800,000 Canadians living inside our borders – most of them in Arizona. Shockingly, while America’s toughest Sheriff, Joe Arpaio, forces drug dealers and Mexican immigrants to march around the desert in pink jumpsuits, Canadians secretly meet with Wayne Gretzky, drinking LaBatt’s Blue while planning to change the name of Phoenix to Re-Regina and Maricopa to Maritoba County. How will the people of Sun City live with The Phoenix Moose as a hockey team? Good luck, Mounty Arpaio.

Canadians continue to infiltrate our nation at a rate of 24,000 per year.  That means by July 1, 3367  –  2,500 years to the day from Canada’s birth  –  ALL Canadians will have moved south of the border into the U.S.A. You can set your clocks by this one, folks. We only have 1,358 years of liberty left.

Sure, skeptics point out that only 74,000 Canadians in the U.S. are illegal immigrants. But what if ALL of them are hockey players??? At the sound of a single whistle they could beat the puck out of innocent American citizens. Within a few hours there would be more toothless U.S. citizens than in the entire history West Virginia.

Time won’t allow me to address the Canadian deception called global warming (if you thought glaciers up north were melting because of American pollution, you need to take a look at Al Gore’s Canadian dollar holdings). Suffice to say Pamela Anderson did not enter her “enhanced” state for the sake of Hollywood. One mistake in the Canadian glacier melt plan and she will survive as her own personal floatation device.

Now, many Southern looking Hawks and soft-hearted liberals will point to Jim Carrey, Leslie Nielsen and Mike Meyers, telling me Canadians living in America are fun-loving and here to share their gift of humor. Well what about Neve Campbell’s phone throwing rage? And Howie Mandel’s refusal to shake hands with Americans? Did you really believe that “germaphobic” line? Howie will never shake hands with an American until every last one is ruled by Canada.

No matter how great a skeptic you are, just watch The Matrix again – only then will you understand why Keanu Reeves is called “The One.”

I could go on revealing how John Hopps invented the Blackberry to capture information about as many U.S. citizens as possible and share it with Ottawa. . . how every flight booked through William Shatner’s “Priceline” shilling provides U.S. dollars to the Canadian infiltration of America and how Joseph Armand-Bombardier invented the snowmobile to reduce the population of America each winter.

All I can hope is that each and every American will read and share this article.

Americans: wake up and smell the coffee. . . before it’s exclusively Tim Horton’s. . . and all the Starbucks are turned into re-education camps.

BUSTLINES DROOP AS ECONOMY SAGS

Maura Moynihan just wrote a great editorial on America’s sagging economy and drooping bustlines being inescapably harnessed together.

Plastic surgery is in a free fall.

Joan Rivers are you listening through those tightly pinned back ears?

Michael and LaToya, stop UNwrinking your noses.

(At least I know Bruce Jenner cannot close his eyes or turn his head from the truth that follows)

After 12 billion dollars of spending on cosmetic surgery in 2007 Monynihan reveals the ASPS “reports a 62 percent overall decrease in cosmetic surgery from 2007 to 2008.”

That’s right. The future Pamela Andersons in our world have been hugely deflated by the Lehman brothers and Michael Madoffs of Wall street.

But are a few less bleached blondes teetering about like fully inflated water landing devices such a bad thing?

In  Los Angeles, the elderly will once again walk down the street without fear of being  struck to the ground when an actress turns to acknowledge a car horn.

Average citizens will no longer be late trapped in an endless wait – while elevators sit paralyzed – doors opening and closing,  opening and closing.

Now, the Rodeo Drive and Hamptons crowds may be taking this as a double whammy when coupled with the Oct. 19 (UPI) research from Sweden discovering drinking a lot of coffee reduces the size of many women’s breasts.

Starbucks has been in an uphill battle to offset their shrinking sales to women since that Lund University report

It’s unfortunate when economic hard times hit advertising and the cosmetic surgery industry so hard “above” the belt. But at least now the women of America won’t be so quick to mortgage the house on a windblown face, tucked tummy or a set of personal air bags.

And even though these people may start to look their age. . . there’s no guarantee they’ll act it.

Read Maura’s article on “The Great Boob Bust” at: http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2009-01-10/the-great-boob-bust/2/