Archive for Humor

BUSTLINES DROOP AS ECONOMY SAGS

Posted in Humorously Speaking with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 10, 2009 by andeeroo

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Maura Moynihan just wrote a great editorial on America’s sagging economy and drooping bustlines being inescapably harnessed together.

Plastic surgery is in a free fall.

Joan Rivers are you listening through those tightly pinned back ears?

Michael and LaToya, stop UNwrinking your noses.

(At least I know Bruce Jenner cannot close his eyes or turn his head from the truth that follows)

After 12 billion dollars of spending on cosmetic surgery in 2007 Monynihan reveals the ASPS “reports a 62 percent overall decrease in cosmetic surgery from 2007 to 2008.”

That’s right. The future Pamela Andersons in our world have been hugely deflated by the Lehman brothers and Michael Madoffs of Wall street.

But are a few less bleached blondes teetering about like fully inflated water landing devices such a bad thing?

In  Los Angeles, the elderly will once again walk down the street without fear of being  struck to the ground when an actress turns to acknowledge a car horn.

Average citizens will no longer be late trapped in an endless wait – while elevators sit paralyzed – doors opening and closing,  opening and closing.


Now, the Rodeo Drive and Hamptons crowds may be taking this as a double whammy when coupled with the Oct. 19 (UPI) research from Sweden discovering drinking a lot of coffee reduces the size of many women’s breasts.

Starbucks has been in an uphill battle to offset their shrinking sales to women since that Lund University report

It’s unfortunate when economic hard times hit advertising and the cosmetic surgery industry so hard “above” the belt. But at least now the women of America won’t be so quick to mortgage the house on a windblown face, tucked tummy or a set of personal air bags.

And even though these people may start to look their age. . . there’s no guarantee they’ll act it.

Read Maura’s article on “The Great Boob Bust” at: http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2009-01-10/the-great-boob-bust/2/

Exposing the TRUTH about the Iraqi Shoe Bombing of President Bush

Posted in The Hell You Say! with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 15, 2008 by andeeroo

So, everyone is all up in arms about the shoe tossing at President Bush by Iraqi journalist Muntadhar al-Zaidi at a news conference with the Iraqi Prime Minister. Was it inappropriate? Sure. No one threw shoes at President elect Obama after his victory (rumor has it Sarah Palin AND Hillary Clinton gave it serious consideration; but both chose a more courageous path).

Now, before we string up this guy or mock President Bush for the balance of his term, we need to take a more “hole-istic” view of this man’s shoes and actions.

First: the press communicated that this is the ultimate sign of disrespect in the Iraqi culture. I refuse to believe this is worse than:

  • being voted in as President of Iraq in  free and open election.
  • receiving any award given by Spike TV.
  • being buried in the ground and stoned because you are gay.

Second:  President Bush showed great grace and generosity under fire: to  al-Zaidi:

  • What the press failed to report was the President not only returned the tossed shoes, he also gave the man a gift of Berluti Italian loafers. At $700 a pair, he is likely to keep those babies on his tootsies at his next press conference.

al-Zaidi comes from a family tradition of shoe tossing:

  • His forefathers threw sandals at Muslim leaders in the past (all relatives were one and done: his survival is a record setting first).
  • Farther back in time, they threw actual feet (owners attached) Not as effective or as accurate.

He measures his options well:

  • As a young journalist in 2001, al-Zaidi considered throwing his shoes at Saddam Hussein’s son, Uday. However, al-Zaidi was unwilling to have his feet caned, be dragged through gravel and made to sit in a tank of urine; a favorited tactic of Uday with Iraqi Olympians who failed to win medals.
  • Muntadhar al-Zaidi also hates Iran. But after considering the actual decapitation of his head and removal of      his feet, he chose to pass on the weekend press conference with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. . . democracy wins out over religious rule again.

Apparently al-Zaidi was not angry about Iraqi independence:

  • He was actually infuriated that his $6 million dollar bid to Gov. Blagojevich of Illinois for the open Senate Seat was turned down because it was in Iraqi Dinars.
  • He then responded to the ad for the Illinois Senate seat on E-bay and ended up winning a physical chair from the Senate – you’d be angry too; the same leather seat is $350 at Office Max.

Time does not allow me to address the deep seated depression al-Zaidi suffers from due to his athlete’s foot, bunions and chronic dislike of the Kurds.

However, I would suggest a positive gesture from readers of this honest coverage: leave a comment sharing more appropriate items to be thrown at world leaders for future press conferences.

What Brad Pitt, Will Smith, David Beckham and Me (in a Pantry) Have in Common

Posted in Humorously Speaking with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 10, 2008 by andeeroo

So Today was “Call in Gay” day.  Not sure that taking free time in protest and leaving others to do extra work is the way to change the point of view of your workmate.  Move (ing) On.

This isn’t going to be easy. Telling the truth seldom is. But here goes: I’m HAPPY.

I can hear the gasps of astonishment and shock cum anger already. I realize coming out about my HAPPY lifestyle is far from acceptable in our politically correct society. But frankly, I was tired of hiding the truth.  My wife has decided to come clean on living this lifestyle as well. She is also extremely HAPPY.

Our lifestyle choice seems to have fallen so far out of favor that it is nearly unacceptable in tolerant society. This has left us hiding our lifestyle in the pantry (the closet was taken).  It seems every time we tell others about our sexual orientation (“exclusive” sex between opposite genders), our fidelity (twenty-eight years), and our desire to remain life partners (good and bad, til death do us part), so many people roll their eyes and remark how our HAPPY lifestyle is so “nostalgic,” “quaint,” even archaic. Yeah, just like David and Victoria Beckham, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and Will and Jada Pinkett Smith . . . all of us incredibly renaissance in our sexual lifestyles.

Well, with all due respect to live-ins, one nighters, same sexers and every other fashionable lifestyler;  I will be silent no longer. Not only am I proud to be out and part of the HAPPY community, I want the world to know just how HAPPY I am. I’m thinking a few protest marches are in order. A legal defense organization: the AHLU, and an international organization: The HAPPY Liberation Movement.

Maybe some slogans for bumper stickers like:

“Married People Do It to Death.”

“Great Sex Comes From Happy People”

“Passion AND Procreation: whatta country!”

” I’m a Happy, Hetero Homosapien”

I’m feeling better already. My wife and I are so out of the closet that we’re  raising our children to be openly “HAPPY.”  My wife and I live our “HAPPY” lifestyle right in front of them and all the world. If our kids choose a “HAPPY” lifestyle, so be it. We’ll love them and support them all the way.

Who knows? Perhaps even Hollywood will take up our cause. The next thing you know, we’ll see major actors portraying marital fidelity in major motion pictures – blatant happiness in full color and dolby digital sound.

Maybe there will be a “Will and Grace” reunion where Jack falls for Grace and ends up walking the aisle with her (Hey! It could happen, if Hollywood writers were just a little more creative and open-minded). Or we might even see a wacky reality series on television about the romantic reward and emotional satisfaction of saving your virginity to share with your one, true love:  “Survivor”.

Calling all “HAPPY” people hiding their lifestyles in the pantry.

It’s time to come out. Start flaunting your commitment and satisfaction with the ones you love. Let the world know how HAPPY you really are!

Punchline: What are you NOT thankful for?

Posted in A Merry Heart with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 27, 2008 by andeeroo

Let it be known that I am thankful for many things this Thanksgiving holiday: my faith, family, friends and health to name just a few.

However, I will not hide the fact that there are many things in this world I am NOT thankful for! After you give thanks, take a moment to fess up.

I’ve compiled a brief list from a few from friends I queried. Please take a look at them and submit that thing you’re NOT thankful for:

Manually fillable ice cube trays   – Kendall

Phillip Seymour Hoffman in a Thong   – Teresa

Metric Tapeworms   – Mary

High water pants with white shoes   –  Luke

Fish Poetry   – Chris

Pay toilets   – Harry

Animals with holes in them   – Chelsea

Wall Street bailout beneficiaries   – Lee

Douvet Covers    – Holly

People in ski masks   –  Jonavan

Anime fillers and itchy socks   –  Rick

Political promises – Andy

Bird poop   – Jake

Abbreviations   – J

Dog fashions   –  Sid

The Detroit Lions   – Jeremy

Ten gallon hats and small minds   – Devin

People who say “irregardless and nevertheless”   – Nat

Let’s Drown the Children We Don’t Like!

Posted in For Heaven's Sake! with tags , , , , , , , , on November 21, 2008 by andeeroo

by andy freeman
75 years ago the great Christian writer, philosopher and humorist G.K. Chesterton chose to address the hidden crime of abortion with incredibly insightful wit.

Some laughed; others who lacked a sense of humor were outraged at Chesterton’s suggestion that society “drown the children that were disliked.”

What the shallow-minded missed was Chesterton’s brilliant ridicule of abortion. If wise and decent people would never drown a child, why would they snuff out the life of a little infant boy or girl before we know how beautiful, wonderful and amazing that child might be?

In ancient cultures people actually sacrificed their infant children by the knife or burning them alive to the sun god or pretend, stone statues like Molech. In return they were told their crops would grow, their health would be good and their life would be spared suffering. But the promise was empty and the scar
that remained from taking the life of their own flesh and blood never left their broken heart or darkened mind.