Merry Krumpus to You? The Anti-Santa of the Alpines

Saint Nick and the Krumpus Approach

As we enjoy the season of Christmas and prepare for it’s ultimate meaning, I have been wandering the internet considering other distinct holiday traditions that are not part of the American Yuletide season. Traditions like the Portugese Christmas morning meal with places set for dead relatives definitely caught my eye.The lines of Japanese trying to get into KFC for a traditional Christmas Chicken dinner entertained me (and reminded me of the power of advertising). And the Catalonian tradition of the “Caganer” statue found hidden away in Spanish and Italian Bethlehem scenes showing a man secretly relieving himself left me completely puzzled.

However, the Christmas season tradition that I couldn’t get off my mind was the “Krumpus” or “Krampas” from the Alpine countries of Austria, Germany and Switzerland.

In the good old U.S.A. kids are put on a “naughty” or “nice” list, resulting in sweet gifts or a lump of coal in their stocking. But in Germanic countries, an unruly or petulant child receives a holiday beating from a boozy, ill-tempered 7 ft goat man – the Krumpus.

Now, the Krumpus show up on the eve of Dec. 5th, swat the kids good and warn them they only have
3 weeks to shape up or instead of gifts they’ll receive a real beat down on Dec. 25th.

How did these guys ever get reduced to a lump of coal in America?

The only answer I could come up with: Liberals.

Just Say “No” to Obama and the Republicans: Fixing Health Care With 10% Reform

by Andy Freeman

I’ve been giving the health care debacle considerable thought. President Obama’s call for reform will be devastating to our fragile economy – the Republican alternative is non-existent. With those sad options at hand I have reached the following conclusions:

* The Democrats want to throw money at the problem thinking they will do a good deed and lock up the White House and Congress for years to come

* The Republicans see the danger of growing deficits, but are so in the pocket of Insurance companies, Pharmaceutical companies and Mega Hospital chains that they are scared to reform for losing campaign dollars, clout and their big business political paradigm

* Nobody in the private sector is going to budge. They want to “get theirs” and titillate Wall Street with great revenue numbers

* Socialized health care has been “demonized” to the point that it cannot be considered objectively and tossed out for rational reasons

* Private health insurance will slowly fade away from increasing costs until employees opt out because they can no longer afford the premiums through their employer

* All of the above will result in one in three Americans without health care by 2020

So, I’ve decided to propose my own health care reform. This may seem a brutal plan, but someone has to put forward an easy to understand program that will reduce costs, improve health and put the burden on the right shoulders. Here goes:

* The Fast Food Industry will give back 10% of all profits to subsidize health costs for heart attacks and other cardiovascular emergency procedures

* The Tobacco Industry will give back 10% of all profits to subsidize health costs for lung cancer, emphysema and other emergencies caused by their products

* The Alcohol industry will give back 10% of all profits to subsidize health costs for liver, kidney and other emergency procedures caused by their products

* Makers of Candies, Cookies, Ice Cream and other sugary treats will give back 10% of their profits to subsidize health costs for dental and diabetic procedures resulting from their products

* The entertainment industry will give back 10% of all profits to subsidize health costs for mental and emotional therapy.

* A 10% tax will be levied on all of the above industries. These monies will be used to fund medicaid. Now, the list above is not comprehensive. We can easily add other addictive products that have a negative impact on weak-willed people. The second phase of my health care reform has to do with the existing private industry. My reforms are as follows:

* Health care Insurance for an individual of family will be provided at a cost of 10% of the the final taxable income number on a single or joint federal tax return. Dependents will be covered under this cost until they reach 18 years of age. After that age, they will receive their own coverage based on the 10% rule. If they are a college student, they may purchase coverage by semester as is currently available privately. So, if you make 50,000 dollars, your health care cost is $5,000 – if you make, $300,000 dollars, your health care cost is $30,000.

* Private Businesses and Corporations will contribute 10% of their gross annual earnings to cover the permanently hospitalized, handicapped and unemployed. The poor and elderly will be serviced under medicare and medicaid.

* Health care insurance companies, Pharmaceutical Companies, Doctors and Hospitals will give back 10% of their profits annually to fund medicare and medicaid

* A complete listing of charges for procedures will be published by every doctor, clinic and hospital and made available for all potential patients to see. This will allow competitive shopping for medical care instead of just accepting the inevitable in costs.

* Doctors, clinics and hospitals will be given an annual rating based on service and costs, much like restaurants. After all, who wants to go to a 78% rated medical facility when a 98% is 15 minutes further away.

* Health Insurers may no longer force the insured to jump through hoop after hoop and reject claims just to wear down consumers and net more revenue when the insured gives up and just pays the bill. Claims will be paid. If there is disagreement it will be settled between the medical provider and the insurer, not by grinding down the patient.

* Everyone who works in government (including the President and Congress) will function under the same guidelines and health care. The only exception being our U.S. Military who will receive free health care for themselves and immediate family during their term of service. After they leave the service, they will enter the normal 10% health care culture.

* The government’s role in health care will be solely to enforce these reform rules and guidelines and continue the management of medicare and medicaid, with the taxes provided by the health care industry lock boxed for this purpose alone.

O.K., folks, there you have it. The 10% Health Care Reform Plan. No political play, no lobbyists, no socialized medicine, no skyrocketing costs. An honest program that covers all and allows profit without government interference with a little help from everyone involved.

Give me your thoughts, criticism and advice. Just don’t play politcal favorites.

Canadian Immigrants: The Icebacks Lie in Wait

No American Could EVER Bear This Christmas Story!!!!

First it was NHL Hockey. . . then Dan Akroyd and Michael J. Fox. . . how long until we have 51 Maple Leafs on our flag and the anthem for gay marriage in America becomes “God Save the Queens?”

It’s time for Americans to stop obsessing about our southern border and open their eyes to the insidious threat just across Niagra Falls. There lurks Canada. . . our alleged friends, aye?

While we ponder building a wall across southern Texas, Arizona and California and patrolling that border with M-1 tanks, our northern border is as porous as Sponge Bob Square Pants (he’s Canadian by the way).

So, how is it that the silent Canadian immigration plot and its “chilling” affect on our culture goes unnoticed? Subtlety, that’s how. If you keep smiling and insisting bacon is round, one day it will be!

You see, it all began with the injection of Arcadians into the Louisiana delta a few hundred years ago. That’s right. One big Canadian sleeper cell floated down the Mississippi to the bayou: their assignment?  To cause confusion to American dialects and ever-so-slowly destroy the our eco-balance in the deep south by eating the American crawfish into extinction. Once they’ve accomplished that goal (we are only a few years away), secret messages will be sent via Cajun and Zydeco music to the French Canadian population signalling them to overtake Vermont and claim it as an extension of Quebec. They immediately install Jerry Lewis as a comic deity. New laws will quickly eliminate American English and force children to only speak French or that painful New England accent like the Pepperidge Farm guy or Ted Kennedy. Each Sunday, enslaved Catamounts will be forced into Unitarian churches to watch films like “The Disorderly, Orderly” and reruns of Jerry Lewis “Labor Day” Telethons, followed by luncheons where snails and brie must be consumed in mass quantities.

So, while all you conservatives and conspiracists continue to overamp about our southern border – people who eat french fries with gravy are quietly infiltrating every fiber of our nation!!!

By the way, I’m not excusing the left from guilt. Michael Moore is a closet Canadian. And the left’s adoration of national healthcare and gun control is playing right into their Hoser little hands. Soon, we’ll be trading our rugged individualism for a free check up and a “hands up” for our hunting rifles.

And as if this were not enough, the Canadian government has now unleashed a far more evil plan: turning Americans into Canadians while they sleep. Like some demented tooth fairy, they now plan to offer citizenship for a mere 8 hours sleep. Don’t believe me? Watch this innocent looking PSA:

The truth can be shocking.  Right now there are nearly 800,000 Canadians living inside our borders – most of them in Arizona. Shockingly, while America’s toughest Sheriff, Joe Arpaio, forces drug dealers and Mexican immigrants to march around the desert in pink jumpsuits, Canadians secretly meet with Wayne Gretzky, drinking LaBatt’s Blue while planning to change the name of Phoenix to Re-Regina and Maricopa to Maritoba County. How will the people of Sun City live with The Phoenix Moose as a hockey team? Good luck, Mounty Arpaio.

Canadians continue to infiltrate our nation at a rate of 24,000 per year.  That means by July 1, 3367  –  2,500 years to the day from Canada’s birth  –  ALL Canadians will have moved south of the border into the U.S.A. You can set your clocks by this one, folks. We only have 1,358 years of liberty left.

Sure, skeptics point out that only 74,000 Canadians in the U.S. are illegal immigrants. But what if ALL of them are hockey players??? At the sound of a single whistle they could beat the puck out of innocent American citizens. Within a few hours there would be more toothless U.S. citizens than in the entire history West Virginia.

Time won’t allow me to address the Canadian deception called global warming (if you thought glaciers up north were melting because of American pollution, you need to take a look at Al Gore’s Canadian dollar holdings). Suffice to say Pamela Anderson did not enter her “enhanced” state for the sake of Hollywood. One mistake in the Canadian glacier melt plan and she will survive as her own personal floatation device.

Now, many Southern looking Hawks and soft-hearted liberals will point to Jim Carrey, Leslie Nielsen and Mike Meyers, telling me Canadians living in America are fun-loving and here to share their gift of humor. Well what about Neve Campbell’s phone throwing rage? And Howie Mandel’s refusal to shake hands with Americans? Did you really believe that “germaphobic” line? Howie will never shake hands with an American until every last one is ruled by Canada.

No matter how great a skeptic you are, just watch The Matrix again – only then will you understand why Keanu Reeves is called “The One.”

I could go on revealing how John Hopps invented the Blackberry to capture information about as many U.S. citizens as possible and share it with Ottawa. . . how every flight booked through William Shatner’s “Priceline” shilling provides U.S. dollars to the Canadian infiltration of America and how Joseph Armand-Bombardier invented the snowmobile to reduce the population of America each winter.

All I can hope is that each and every American will read and share this article.

Americans: wake up and smell the coffee. . . before it’s exclusively Tim Horton’s. . . and all the Starbucks are turned into re-education camps.

How Many Atheists Does it Take to Survive an Earthquake?

Recently, by random selection, I visited “The Friendly Atheist,” blog (Hemant Manta) {friendlyatheist.com}. This incident seemed very strange to me as I had just returned from Ethiopia where I saw the reproduction of the famous bones of “Lucy” (the crown jewel of ancient skeletons). At only 3 1/2 feet tall, Lucy was quite the cougar 3.2 million years ago, living a swinging lifestyle with chimpanzees in the trees of Africa. Anthropologists believe her promiscuity helped spread the the appearance of humans on planet earth (yet another argument for safe sex).

These two“athe-incidents” happening to me in such a short time frame seemed more than just mere chance (with all due respect to Charley D.).  Might there be a cosmic purpose to me experiencing these two events firsthand? As you can imagine, all this and Darwin’s recent 200th birthday bash was enough to make me get up off the couch and walk upright to my computer, engaging my opposable thumbs and fingers to write this all down.

As far as descendants of one-celled organisms go, Hemant Manta seems a gentleman who is highly evolved and quite interesting to read. If I was forced to play situational ethics with an atheist, I believe he would give me a fair shake in the lifeboat before throwing me overboard to save the doctor, the physicist and the Bill Maher.

I would even note that Hemant and I have a shared belief in at least part of Genesis 2:7  that states God formed man from the slime of the earth. We both believe in the slime, I simply believe it took a Creator to craft us, whereas Hemant would believe in a kismatic occurance.

Now, before any intellectuals tee me up for not hearing the “big bang’s” call in my life, let me go on record as saying I enjoy atheists as much as the next primal guy. Atheists of all sorts: entertaining atheists (Woody Allen, Dave Barry, Eddie Izzard), rugged atheists (Lance Armstrong, Studs Terkel, Jodie Foster), sensitive atheists (Keanu Reeves, Barry Manilow,  James Lipton), even “Big Apple” atheists (Harvey Fierstein, Howard Stern, Billy Joel). And it goes without saying that I have a cool, cryogenic admiration for atheism’s head of the class: deceased baseball legend, Ted Williams.

I will not take the time here to list all the “God believing” people I admire as there are almost as many as there are religious denominations (or matters of faith in the theories of evolution); albeit without the messy inquisitions, holy wars and missing links.

Anyway, I de-evolve. The reason for this essay is to consider the critque of Hemant and his respondents to a fair question he raised about the tragic earthquake in Italy.

In Hemant’s blog entitled “272 Die. 1 Lives. God Gets Credit For. . . “ He recounts the hundreds confirmed dead after the earthquake that rocked the area near Rome and a 20 year old boy, Giulio Colangeli, who survived when pulled from the rubble.  Hemant notes one paper’s headline stated “Divine Intervention Helped Antonello Colangeli Find His Son.” Mr. Colangeli was quoted as saying:  “I am a doctor. I a rational man. But I can only say that all those signs, all those coincidences that led me to my son, must have been sent from God.”

The Friendly Atheist goes on to point out that if God is to be thanked for Dr. Conangeli’s son surviving, God should also accept blame for the deaths of all the other people and the massive destruction of cities and infrastructure.

As Mr. Mehnta puts it  “God shouldn’t be getting credit without any chance of getting the blame.” I have a sentimental spot in my little ole’ evolved, quadraped’s heart for this thought. Too often,divinity grabs the “miracle” headlines leaving only the latest bone shard discoveries in Africa or Wyoming for evolutionists to muddle over.  Isn’t it about time in the evolutionary process of that Charles Darwin”s likeness shows up on the face of an atheist’s scone in the morning? To be fair, if random chance can replicate Mary so often that she even appeared as a Cheeto, surely the father of evolution deserves, nay, demands a spot on a Galapagos Island Tortoise shell.

Evolution should not be ignored when it comes to disasters (Kevin Costner’s “Waterworld” a chief example).  If we were to reframe the news story from Italy and give proper due, the headline would read:  “Natural Selection Claims 272 Average Humans: One Highly Evolved Young Man Survives.” With the proper worldview, Dr. Conangeli might have said:  “I am a doctor. I a  biped. But I can only say that all those coincidences were completely random. My son is lucky as hell I found him in that pile of rubble.” While this headline and story might not encourage those who look to the heavens for hope and a future, it certainly gives evolutionists a fair shot at selling papers. And the way the newspaper business is going, it surely couldn’t hurt the fourth estate.

While this may not settle the debate between those who believe in God and those who believe in man, it does bring us to a more balanced approach to covering disasters and who survives.

Darwin himself said: “It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change.”

If this theory holds true – then one day – only Madonna will remain.

Hard to believe a loving evolutionist could do this to the human species.

Who Saved President Obama’s Life? His Mother.

When is a child a blessing and when is that infant punishment? Is the difference a baby brought into a happy, two parent home? If that is the standard of measurement, then our President was not a blessing. However, the decision his mother made to birth and raise Barack Obama became a blessing for her and all those who voted for him.

NBC just nixed a superbowl airing of an incredibly powerful public service announcement that reminds us of the value of the life of President Obama and all lives. It’s amazing to me that in an age of Lingerie bowl and Go Daddy ads that NBC feels an ad that reminds us of the power of giving life and the history that act can make is considered advocacy. Take a look:

It’s also a strange dichotomy that the mother of our very first African-American President chose life for him but he does not extend that blessing to all the children that follow him. President Obama has promised to sign the Freedom of Choice Act (FOCA) once it is introduced as a bill in Congress. FOCA would eliminate all state and federal restrictions on abortion; that means third trimester abortions of infants by making a hole in their head and scrambling their brains. It also means continuing saline abortions; basically burning the infant boy or girl to death.

We will never know the talent, brilliance or intellect of the near 50 million individuals whose lives have been ended by abortion. Perhaps there was one who would have discovered a cure for cancer or AIDS, still another who would have guided us through our economic chaos; yet another who would have brought us energy independence. No, we will never know as their lives were cut short in the womb.

If we could move the issue of choice out of the womb and into the bedroom so many innocent lives would be saved and women could exercise greater control of their bodies and sexuality. The time to make a choice takes place before conception, not after. Abstinency or use of contraception is the most important choice in controlling one’s body and moving away from abortion.

Of course rape or incest create an entirely different set of circumstances. In these cases a different standard must be used by the pregnant woman regarding the end of her child’s life. However, it is important to realize that these cases are rare when compared with the total number of aborted children each year. In Mahkorn & Dolans’ “Sexual Assault & Pregnancy” report they note that out of approximately 6 million pregnancies per year, about 500 are assault rape pregnancies. If we measure those against 900,000 abortions and 500,000 miscarriages, we realize this type of pregnancy and abortion is extremely small; yet those  who argue for abortion uses it like a hammer.

Would the President and First Lady see a grandchild conceived out-of-welock as punishment?

Would he truly encourage either of his daughters to terminate the life of that grandchild?

As President Obama moves through his first term in office, we can only hope he truly wrestles with the issue of life and makes the same choice that his mother did so many years ago.  She chose life and – choosing life can change the course of history.

BUSTLINES DROOP AS ECONOMY SAGS

Maura Moynihan just wrote a great editorial on America’s sagging economy and drooping bustlines being inescapably harnessed together.

Plastic surgery is in a free fall.

Joan Rivers are you listening through those tightly pinned back ears?

Michael and LaToya, stop UNwrinking your noses.

(At least I know Bruce Jenner cannot close his eyes or turn his head from the truth that follows)

After 12 billion dollars of spending on cosmetic surgery in 2007 Monynihan reveals the ASPS “reports a 62 percent overall decrease in cosmetic surgery from 2007 to 2008.”

That’s right. The future Pamela Andersons in our world have been hugely deflated by the Lehman brothers and Michael Madoffs of Wall street.

But are a few less bleached blondes teetering about like fully inflated water landing devices such a bad thing?

In  Los Angeles, the elderly will once again walk down the street without fear of being  struck to the ground when an actress turns to acknowledge a car horn.

Average citizens will no longer be late trapped in an endless wait – while elevators sit paralyzed – doors opening and closing,  opening and closing.

Now, the Rodeo Drive and Hamptons crowds may be taking this as a double whammy when coupled with the Oct. 19 (UPI) research from Sweden discovering drinking a lot of coffee reduces the size of many women’s breasts.

Starbucks has been in an uphill battle to offset their shrinking sales to women since that Lund University report

It’s unfortunate when economic hard times hit advertising and the cosmetic surgery industry so hard “above” the belt. But at least now the women of America won’t be so quick to mortgage the house on a windblown face, tucked tummy or a set of personal air bags.

And even though these people may start to look their age. . . there’s no guarantee they’ll act it.

Read Maura’s article on “The Great Boob Bust” at: http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2009-01-10/the-great-boob-bust/2/

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly of New Year’s Resolutions

Ahh, the new year is upon us and it’s time for resolutions.

Mark Twain said: “. . .Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.”‘

Not to disagree with Mr. Clemens, but I believe there are categories for new year’s resolutions: some attainable, some worth striving for; others just plain bad ideas. So, without further ado, here are my humble entries for the Good, the Bad and the Ugly of resolutions:

The Good resolutions:

* Attain World Peace

* Keep President Obama and his pen away from F.O.C.A.

* Lindsay Lohan dedicating her life to providing clear skin for all teenagers

* High School Musical 4 !

* Work together to cause Global Cooling

The Bad resolutions:

* Anything to do with dieting

* Pledge to write and speak only Latin
(especially those annoying “Laticons” in text messaging)

* Break up with any habit that’s always been there for you

* Support Paul Reuben’s comeback

* Bring back Pepsi Clear.

The Ugly resolutions:

* Start a write-in campaign to save Rosie O’Donnell’s variety show

* President Bush suspends habeas corpus and invokes Martian law (alien malprop intentional)

* ANYTHING to do with the Palestinians; even schwarma.

* Pledge to make meals with quail eggs and banana blossoms in coconut cream.

* Combine slang from the sixties and the nineties to create new phrases: “Far out, man. True dat.” or “What it do, groovy cat?”

This list merely forms the tip of the resolution iceberg. Please lend your insight and mirth to the list.

Share your good, bad or ugly resolutions in comments.

And In closing, the slate is blank, the year is new, may each of you know love, health, wisdom and may God bless you.

Headline Christmas Songs You’ll Never Forget: 2008

As we settle in for a bit of hot chocolate, twinkling lights and a blazing yule log, I thought it might be appropriate to consider some of the Christmas songs that became popular in 2008:

Santa Claus is Seeking a Bailout
“You better watch out, he’s caught in the red, the elves are on strike,
holiday sales are bout dead. . . Santa Claus is seeking a bailout”

Grandma Got Runover by Foreclosure
“Grandma got runover by foreclosure, tried to refi her interest only loan.
Now she can’t afford to buy her groceries, and she’s reduced to skin and bones.”

Jingle ‘Bama Rock
“Jingle bam, jingle bam jingle Obama,
jingle the white house, jingle the congress,
snowin’ and blowin’ the left and the right,
he’s leading down the center line”

Away in a Motown –
“Away in a Motown, no funds to go on, the big 3 automakers can no longer press on.
They fly to DC in their private jets to beg. The 3 auto CEO’s seek millions today.”

We wish you a Czarist Russia –
“Oh, bring back Vladmir Putin, oh bring back Vladmir Putin,
he’s still our leader anyway and mother Russia loves him.”

I Saw Bin Laden Just Last Ramadan
I saw Bin Laden just last Ramadan,
Laughing at our U.S. intelligence,
He hides beneath the mountains, of northern Pakistan,
He lives inside a big cave, with lots of his henchmen.

Please add your 2008 Christmas favorites in the comments section.

Blagojevich is Innocent – His Hair is Criminal!

The dirty political tale being told in the state of Illinois and the selling of a U.S. Senate seat is just the tip of the iceberg.

Here’s the first shocker:  Governor Rod Blagojevich is innnocent of all FBI corruption charges being leveled against him.

That’s right – innocent. The wiretaps, damning testimonies, alleged dirty Chicago politics are all a frame job on Blagojevich.

The reason why is the bigger bomb I’m dropping:

Blagojevich’s HAIR is guilty of everything!

Note Blagojevich is tight lipped - BUT HIS HAIR SPEAKS VOLUMES!

Now, before you brush this off as another urban legend or crazy train talk, consider the facts you haven’t seen in the headlines.

Gov. Rod Blogojevich is actually bald. Next time you see him on the news, take a closer look:  THE HAIR actually moves independently of him.  A life force unto itself, THE HAIR proudly rests upon his head a follicle king, sitting on its throne of deceit.

Quiet investigations by Chicago geneaology expert Daniel Rostendoliak have revealed Blago’s HAIR is actually the out-of-hairlock child of country singer Lyle Lovett and one of Patti LaBelle’s wigs (believed to be the blue one with       24″ high spikes). Rostendoliak further stated independent DNA tests prove THE HAIR is an undeniable  blend of Texas D.A. and synthetic soul.

THE HAIR (which I will NOW call “Bouffo” along with other suffixes to distinguish it from the Governor)  first met Rod Blogojevich in 1974 at the University of Tampa.  Blogo was a bald underclassman looking to fit in – “Bouffanovich”         a shrewd, hard-partying blow-dried lady killer, looking for a place to land. Blago and “Bouffant” struck up a close friendship.

The defining moment of their Tampa days came when both tried out for the university debate squad and discovered there was only one slot open on the team. That day they decided to join forces and their relationship gelled quickly. Their chemistry was so successful, Blago invited “Bouffana” to move in with him.  Soon, they were inseparable.

In 1977 Blago and “Bouffo” transferred to prestigious Northwestern University (where “Bouffipitt” was offered a separate scholarship in Drama). But their sights were set on government and they eventually graduated with a shared B.A. in Political Science.

Interestingly it was THE HAIR that struck up the romance that led to marriage with powerful Chicago Alderman Richard Mell’s daughter, Patty. She fell hard for the sexy coiffure and never looked back. When they walked the aisle, Blago’s noggin was just a glorified pedestal for Patty Mell to admire “Bouffanovich” on. A seemingly joyous time was actually sealing an already parasitic relationship.

The “Bouffocrat” quickly took to Chicago style politics. His great intellect, sharp wit and take-no-prisoners style of campaigning won him a state representative position as well as private meetings with Bill and Hillary Clinton, Mayor Richard Daley, Jr. (hair definitely his own) and Al Sharpton (whose hair is from another planet).

Blagojevich actually wanted to take an honest course in government, but yielded to pressure from “Bouffant” and wife Patti’s threats to run off with THE HAIR and leave Blago bald and alone.  “Bouffanamana” and Patty partied hard and demanded patronage from every person they could shave or clip. For those who refused to give tribute, punishment included a vicious cursing, withholding of precious government funding or having to style one’s hair to resemble Blago’s coiff.

The hair was hated and feared in Illinois politics: these were truly dreaded locks.

When Blagojevich was elected governor of Illinois he knew the shots would be called by THE HAIR.  It was “Bouffanovich” that hatched the hare-brained scheme to sell the empty senate seat of Barack Obama to the highest bidder.  An uncoiffured report states Jesse Jackson Jr. offered cash AND lifetime jeri curls to “Bouffant” if chosen to replace Obama.

So, what is the bottom line to this story?  Every wiretap referred to by the FBI was actually THE HAIR talking.

Every on-camera denial was off the top of Blagojevich’s head, not from his heart. Which means everything he has said or will say to the press proves he’s out-of-his-mind.

Now many will feel I’m just splitting hairs. but if justice is to be served, these hidden facts must be used to help the innocent Blagojevich part ways with this “Hair from Hades”.

Those of us who refuse to stand for tinted journalism cannot afford to let the this story dye.

Until the truth revealed in this article vindicates Rod Blagojevich and convicts this criminal hair there will be no highlights in Illinois politics – and every day will be a bad hair day for the state Democratic party.

Exposing the TRUTH about the Iraqi Shoe Bombing of President Bush

So, everyone is all up in arms about the shoe tossing at President Bush by Iraqi journalist Muntadhar al-Zaidi at a news conference with the Iraqi Prime Minister. Was it inappropriate? Sure. No one threw shoes at President elect Obama after his victory (rumor has it Sarah Palin AND Hillary Clinton gave it serious consideration; but both chose a more courageous path).

Now, before we string up this guy or mock President Bush for the balance of his term, we need to take a more “hole-istic” view of this man’s shoes and actions.

First: the press communicated that this is the ultimate sign of disrespect in the Iraqi culture. I refuse to believe this is worse than:

• being voted in as President of Iraq in  free and open election.
• receiving any award given by Spike TV.
• being buried in the ground and stoned because you are gay.

Second:  President Bush showed great grace and generosity under fire: to  al-Zaidi:

• What the press failed to report was the President not only returned the tossed shoes, he also gave the man a gift of Berluti Italian loafers. At $700 a pair, he is likely to keep those babies on his tootsies at his next press conference.

al-Zaidi comes from a family tradition of shoe tossing:

• His forefathers threw sandals at Muslim leaders in the past (all relatives were one and done: his survival is a record setting first).
• Farther back in time, they threw actual feet (owners attached) Not as effective or as accurate.

He measures his options well:

• As a young journalist in 2001, al-Zaidi considered throwing his shoes at Saddam Hussein’s son, Uday. However, al-Zaidi was unwilling to have his feet caned, be dragged through gravel and made to sit in a tank of urine; a favorited tactic of Uday with Iraqi Olympians who failed to win medals.

• Muntadhar al-Zaidi also hates Iran. But after considering the actual decapitation of his head and removal of      his feet, he chose to pass on the weekend press conference with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. . . democracy wins out over religious rule again.

Apparently al-Zaidi was not angry about Iraqi independence:

• He was actually infuriated that his $6 million dollar bid to Gov. Blagojevich of Illinois for the open Senate Seat was turned down because it was in Iraqi Dinars.

• He then responded to the ad for the Illinois Senate seat on E-bay and ended up winning a physical chair from the Senate – you’d be angry too; the same leather seat is $350 at Office Max.

Time does not allow me to address the deep seated depression al-Zaidi suffers from due to his athlete’s foot, bunions and chronic dislike of the Kurds.

However, I would suggest a positive gesture from readers of this honest coverage: leave a comment sharing more appropriate items to be thrown at world leaders for future press conferences.

‘TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE SECULAR, WINTER HOLIDAY

So it’s the holiday season and we’re all having to listen to the absurd legal arguments against public displays that celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanzaa.  Then it hit me: how would Clement Clarke Moore craft his famous poem if he lived in America today? Here’s my take:

‘Twas the night before secular, winter holiday – that’s what it’s called now,

and not a religious figure was stirring, not even a sacred cow.

The children were dressed in blankets and towels with care,

Planning to act in a manger scene on the town square.

But the politically correct were horrified and appalled,

So the ACLU filed lawsuits having the performance outlawed.

And the Rabbi at City Hall with his menorah ready to light,

found his Hanukkah display outlawed in this bizarre legal fight.

And at the public park where the Kwanzaa display had arisen,

The local constables were taking the folks in Dashikis to prison.

Then suddenly, on the White House lawn there arose such a clatter,

I flipped on CNN to see what was the matter.

All across America there came a breaking story,

Covered by every TV host, even Springer and Maury.

As the moon beamed down on new-fallen snow,

It gave a revealing light to the holiday battle below.

Now who should appear on the TV almost before you could tune it,

But a Rabbi, Joseph and Mary and the Hip-Hop group, Kwanzaa Unit.

All together they started to lay down a rap so captivating and quick,

I thought it was lip sync’d, the old Milli Vanilli trick.

But the beatboxing was masterful and the rhymes they were spittin’,

And they whistled, and shouted, and the viewers were smitten.

“Yo, one – two check on the mic, ain’t we lookin’ glossy,

This is MC Rabbi with K-Unit,and the Bethlehem 3,  my number one posse.

Why all the Po-Po arriving to stick us on the jail bus?

Cause we celebrate our faith in something bigger than us.

Whether it’s restoring God’s Temple, baby Jesus or African tradition,

Recognizing these events shouldn’t cause such perdition.

The ACLU hates us, they ain’t down with permission,

So, they make threats and lawsuits to put us out of commission.

What’s the problem with a menorah, the creche’ or a Kwanzaa kinara?

We celebrate Columbus, the Earth and Valentine’s Day.”

Then, as fast they could, this eclectic group leapt

from 1600 Pennsylvannia to the Supreme Court steps.

“Yo, Stevens, Alito, Scalia and Breyer,

If there’s no room for sacred holidays why don’t you retire?

What up Kennedy, Souter, Stevens and Thomas?

Stop endorsing the ACLU’s hating and make us a promise.

Let us honor our cultures, holidays and faith,

Come on Chief Justice Roberts, give us a break.”

Then Robert’s eyes — how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!

Alito’s cheeks were like roses, Scalia’s nose like a cherry!

But Ginsburg’s tiny little mouth scrunched tight like a bow,

While the hair on Thomas and Kennedy gleamed white as snow.

Justice Souter’s jaw was clinched tight, grinding his teeth,

And Judge Steven’s ears smoked as his hands shook beneath.

And Breyer’s broad face showed so much reflection,

As the court pondered these citizens, their pain and rejection.

All at once, in a flash, appeared a jolly old elf,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself.

With a wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

He let me know I had nothing to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

putting tolerance in the heart of anti-Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa jerk.

Then pointing his finger toward the Senate and House of Reps,

He magically appeared on the Capitol steps.

There he lit the menorah and the kinara, too,

as he gave the baby Jesus a hug, you could hear cows moo.

Then, he jumped in his sleigh, and as he drove out of sight, He shouted:

“Happy ChristmaHanuKwanzakah! Now, just stop the silly legal fight.”

How to find that “unforgettable” Christmas gift in sixty seconds!

The holidays can be extremely stressful. I hate trying to find the right gift for my family and friends. But bailing on my yule duty and giving a gift certificate doesn’t work either. I wouldn’t want to go in for a Doctor’s exam and be given a medical dictionary instead of a diagnosis.

But when I was flipping around TV the other night a moment of inspiration hit me; courtesy of Vinnie, with  “Sham-Wow” (it’s made in Germany). I decided to give everyone on my list “exclusive TV offer” gifts. They’re unique, easy to order and come with a 30 day money-back guarantee.

Here are just a few I’ve already ordered to provide the people I love and appreciate a distinctive holiday surprise:

THE HANDYSWITCH: Why use ten fingers when one will do?

If someone you love is too lazy to use “The Clapper” this remote control light switch will turn EVERY light in a room on with the press of a button. Far less effort than clapping, enough light for a prison yard and a slightly more sedentary life.

THE FLAT FOLD COLANDER: Spaghetti in any environment!

Every been caught traveling with an overwhelming desire to make spaghetti and thought “I wish I had room to pack my colander.” Now there’s a foot tall colander that folds linguini-flat and features a battery operated spin mode: so you or someone you love can enjoy pasta on the road.”

YOGA BOOTY BALLET: Hindu Hip Hop Your Way to Sexy Healthiness.

This holiday season, everyone knows a special someone who is a fitness nut, but bores with the same old routine. Not to worry, Yoga Booty Ballet to the rescue. This DVD teaches you how to frenetically change between awkward dance steps and peaceful stretching while “shaking what your momma gave ya” in between.  Who needs reincarnation, bling-bling or Swanlake when you can smash them all together in a 30 minute workout?

TATER MITTS: Rub your potatoes the “right” way!

How excited will your gift recipient be when they don these abrasive, blue rubber gloves and start to sensually massage their Idaho spuds? Within moments they’ll have peeled potatoes and a thousand little pieces of potato peelings scattered around the kitchen. WARNING: Don’t scratch any itch on your person unless you desire permanent ex-folliation.

DING KING: Amazing antiquing and stress-busting device.

Do you have a car, appliance or piece of furniture that just look “too new?”  You can give that item character by simply striking it with the amazing Ding King. Hit it a few times for that “oops” look; hit it ruthlessly to create that “ancient artifact” look. This might be the one gift to give everyone on your list this year.

CHILLOW: The “coolest” way to snooze!

This Christmas, take away the burden of your loved one flipping their pillow over and give them the feeling their sleeping in a hammock with a tropical breeze.  All you do is fill the Chillow with water, put it in the freezer for 2 hours, then get ready for a little rest and hypothermia.

THE NATURAL BRA: It’s bio-degradable!

The perfectly natural gift for your wife or girlfriend.  Strap free and that natural look for any woman: simply mark your skin with the special pencil, apply the double-stick adhesive, cut the silicone forms to shape, glue them into the invisible wrap-around band and half-a-day later, you’re ready to go!

Please feel free to leave any gift ideas you have have in the comments section. And remember: “supplies are limited – order before midnight!”

How do Zipcodes, Birthrates, Eggs and Butter Mathematically Reveal the anti-Christ?

Watching out for the end of days and the rise of the anti-Christ are important concerns to many people of faith (and Cub fans who simply want to be put out of their misery).

Through the years, there have been many suspects: some popular like John F. Kennedy, others outrageous like Marilyn Manson and none as widely popular in the bible belt as the Pope.

But now a new candidate has arose. He’s suave, self-assured and graduated from Harvard (striking fear in Ivy leaguers from Princeton to Yale). Barack Obama. Now, before everyone jumps me with an argument about my politics, his ethnic heritage or the fact that I am a lifelong Cubs fan, give me a chance to show you the numbers; then decide. These are not wild machinations of some crazed man. I draw my evidence from the same well as tightly wound conspiricists on the Inter net. I simply choose to wink and smile as I use his legal name, damning evidence from the U.S. Postal Service and my simple projection of declining birthrates: all with some good old “evangelastic” presentation.

The President-elect  has 18 letters in his name. Barack (6) Hussein (7) Obama (5).

If we move just one letter from his middle to his last name you have 6 – 6 – 6. Now it does change his name to Barack Hussei Nobama but that’s majoring on minors. How about if we move the second “S” and leave the “N” alone? That way, it keeps the sounding of his middle name intact and improves the change of pronunciation of his last name from a negative sounding one to Sobama – all without sacrificing the incriminating 6 – 6 – 6.  Any better Mr. or Ms. skeptic?

Now, stop shaking your head and unfold those arms while you consider this: Obama lives in Chicago: also home to the zip code 60606. Since the value of zero is nothing, it doesn’t actually count. What happens when you remove those two zeros from the zip code? I’ll let you finish the math. Picked your jaw up from the floor yet?

There’s much more.  The building located at the center of the 6-( ) -6-( ) -6 zip code is the Chicago Mercantile Exchange. Once known by the innocent name “Butter and Egg Board,”  this hi-tech den of thieves is a place where all forms of commodities are traded by people “crying out” for more and more money.  And where does the love of money and frozen pork belly futures lead to . . ?  Lower Wacker Drive: a place of emptiness and desolation after rush hour: a pathway of darkness running directly below the seemingly innocent Upper Wacker Drive. Now, please allow a little elbow room on this end times equation as Mr. Barack Husein Sobama lives many miles away from this zip code. Nonetheless, it is assigned to his home town (and the Chicago Cubs).

Finally, President Obama and his wife end up having three more children while in office, they will have a family of 6. If each of his 4 children then has the national average for children – 1.5 – and each of those grandchildren has only 1 great grandchild each, the total number of his family (6) grandchildren(1.5 x 4=6) and each grandchild’s single child (6) brings us to the number 6-6-6.

Convinced yet? I could go on. If you take the number of states that voted for Obama and throw out the ones from D.C. all the way up through New England (except Maine), you have 18 blue states left: 6 in the west, 6 in middle America – 6 in the east.  Not to mention he resides in Cook County, Illinois; 18 letters divided equally 6 – 6 – 6, Oh, shut up about Cookco Untyil Linois, you’re just looking for excuses.

And yes, when you add up the number of national league pennants and world series the Cubs have one it equals 18. I know when you divide it by the number of central division titles you get 6 – 6- 6. But don’t even try to go there. . . Obama is a White Sox fan.